1 00:00:06,974 --> 00:00:10,144 - [Announcer] It's "Elvira's 40th Anniversary, 2 00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:13,754 Very Scary, Very Special Special. 3 00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:18,352 Especially For You", (laughs evilly) 4 00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:22,460 featuring four special screenings 5 00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:25,656 chosen by Elvira's cat and a guy named Jimmy, 6 00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:29,399 "House on Haunted Hill", "City of the Dead", 7 00:00:29,397 --> 00:00:34,397 "Messiah of Evil", and "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark". 8 00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:38,636 Ready or not, here they come. 9 00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:41,109 Up here, arise, arrive! 10 00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:46,351 - Hello, darling. - Advance, alight. 11 00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:49,181 - It's me, welcome to- - Attack! 12 00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:51,153 - Okay, okay, already. 13 00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:53,292 Stop, they got it. 14 00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:55,917 Oh, if I had a nickel 15 00:00:55,923 --> 00:00:58,793 for every time I had to tell a man shut up. 16 00:00:58,792 --> 00:00:59,992 Hello, darling. 17 00:00:59,993 --> 00:01:02,263 It's me, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, 18 00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:04,733 the dame who scored the cleavage award. 19 00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:07,842 My cups runneth over, and you're never bored. 20 00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:11,335 Oh, and welcome to my "40th Anniversary, 21 00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:14,239 Very Scary, Very Special Special", 22 00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:19,252 the specialist special I've ever done, especially for you. 23 00:01:20,348 --> 00:01:24,948 I put the spesh in special, IRL, girl, ow! 24 00:01:24,952 --> 00:01:26,492 Oh, okay. 25 00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:31,017 So, get out the shackles and hang onto your broomsticks, 26 00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:34,634 'cause this is a momentous, once in a lifetime occasion. 27 00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:36,958 I know time flies, doesn't it? 28 00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:38,834 Especially in show business, 29 00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:41,442 but as unbelievable as it seems, 30 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:44,165 tonight, I am turning 40. 31 00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:47,512 We're did the time to go? 32 00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:52,478 Why, I don't feel a day older than undead. 33 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,420 Oh, look at me. 34 00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:56,745 Oh, what a cutie. 35 00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:57,950 Cute as a little piranha. 36 00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:01,586 At that age, pageants were all we had. 37 00:02:01,589 --> 00:02:03,789 You know, I had to put myself through nursery school. 38 00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:06,631 Oh, and I just loved my makeup artist. 39 00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:09,427 She always had a teething ring with her. 40 00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:10,960 She'd still be working, too, 41 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,304 if it wasn't that she was abducted by those aliens. 42 00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:15,441 But that's my next show, 43 00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:20,436 "Elvira Undercover, Extra and Terrestrial". 44 00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:24,575 (sighs) You know, I hate to sound redundant, 45 00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:26,578 and if you don't know what that word means, 46 00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:28,220 you're in the right place, 47 00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:31,246 but this evening, I do feel special. 48 00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:34,492 Or maybe that's just indigestion, 49 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,388 but while I was lying here, 50 00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:38,790 stuffed into this torture chamber of a dress, 51 00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:40,332 trying to breathe, 52 00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:43,858 I realized something really special about this special, 53 00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:45,934 and that's my guest stars. 54 00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:49,343 We have Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, 55 00:02:49,337 --> 00:02:52,967 Patricia Jessel, Jeff Conaway, 56 00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:57,953 Elijah Cook, Jr., Joy Bang, and Sammy Davis, Jr. 57 00:02:59,079 --> 00:02:59,879 Holla! 58 00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:03,582 Now, if those names don't mean anything to you, 59 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,845 it's probably 'cause they're dead, 60 00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:08,864 well, all except for Joy Bang. 61 00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:11,886 I mean, it was just her career that bit the dust. 62 00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:14,532 Ah, she's still out there somewhere, 63 00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:18,098 and I like to think she is still bangin'. 64 00:03:18,098 --> 00:03:22,768 And speaking of bangin', we have a bangin' beginning, baby. 65 00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:24,810 We're kicking off this feast o' fear 66 00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:27,405 with my very favorite movie ever, 67 00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:31,678 since the night I was born 40 years ago in that stable, 68 00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:34,049 just me and the drummer boy. 69 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:37,117 Ooh, and boy, was he hot, ow! 70 00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:39,387 In fact, this movie's so good, 71 00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,517 I can't imagine how we can afford it, 72 00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:44,632 unless it's because we're shooting in a condemned warehouse 73 00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,955 with no electricity and no running water, 74 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:51,200 no craft services and no fourth wall, for real. 75 00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:52,728 (ghost moans) 76 00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:56,773 Oh, and that one pissed off ghost 77 00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:58,970 (ghost screams) 78 00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:00,712 and his girlfriend 79 00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:02,108 (ghost dog howls) 80 00:04:02,109 --> 00:04:03,039 and their dog? 81 00:04:05,513 --> 00:04:07,983 Ugh, god, they are so whiny. 82 00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:09,951 It's just hard to root for 'em. 83 00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,390 Just my two cents. 84 00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,915 Well, in any case, 85 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:16,390 this film shows up on top 10 lists year after year. 86 00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:19,660 You've seen them, "The Godfather", "Star Wars", 87 00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:22,030 "Lord of the Rings", "Titanic", 88 00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:24,369 "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark". 89 00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:26,565 "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark", 90 00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:29,167 starring yours cruelly. 91 00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:31,569 It's the only movie in film history 92 00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:36,582 to be called ahead of its time and outdated simultaneously. 93 00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:39,708 Oh, and if you don't know what that word is, no biggie. 94 00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,653 I'm not gonna use it again tonight, 95 00:04:41,649 --> 00:04:43,349 but enough about the English language. 96 00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:47,121 More about me and my movie. 97 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,560 The technical achievements of this film, 98 00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:54,557 the effects, that script, the acting, the dog, 99 00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:56,162 everything about this motion picture 100 00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:57,833 will shock and amaze you, 101 00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:00,801 and not just because it's tasteless, salacious, 102 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:04,101 offensive, and completely fabulous, 103 00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:08,344 but because, with me, there's always a happy ending, 104 00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:10,382 if you catch my drift. 105 00:05:10,378 --> 00:05:14,578 "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark" came out in 1988, 106 00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:18,352 just like Elton John, and also just like him, 107 00:05:18,352 --> 00:05:22,662 it touched a lot of people, mostly male. 108 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:26,326 And now, ladies and Dobermans, for your consideration, 109 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:29,826 "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark". 110 00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:36,967 (suspenseful music) 111 00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:58,759 (dramatic music) 112 00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:07,272 - So that's what you look like. 113 00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,467 You're ugly, horrible. 114 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:13,170 Go on, try your intellect on me. 115 00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:15,143 I'll see you in hell first. 116 00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:18,852 (gun fires) (woman screams) 117 00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:19,776 Help! Stop! 118 00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:24,146 - Let's get out of here. 119 00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:26,251 Call off your troops. 120 00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:27,423 - He's firing. 121 00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:32,257 (wind roars) 122 00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:36,828 (man groans) 123 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,400 - He acted like he knew it. 124 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:42,401 - He did. 125 00:06:43,771 --> 00:06:46,811 He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature. 126 00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:50,478 And because of it, the greatest in the universe. 127 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:56,052 There is hope, but it has to come from man itself. 128 00:06:58,385 --> 00:07:00,485 - I have to go, I'm gonna eat now. 129 00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:02,218 Hold on just a second. 130 00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:04,832 - [Crew] Let's tie it up, baby. 131 00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:10,529 - Hello, darling. 132 00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:13,101 It's me again, yours cruelly, Elvira, 133 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,870 the gal with the enormous, uh, ratings. 134 00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:18,940 Well, that's our show. 135 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:23,139 I hope you enjoyed watching it as much as I did. 136 00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,513 (gags) Oh, boy. 137 00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:27,753 I mean, could you believe that cheesy-looking monster? 138 00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:30,548 Looked like Gumby on steroids. 139 00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:32,421 Well, at least the movie had a moral. 140 00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:34,319 - Where's the shrimp tempura? 141 00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:36,391 - Tempura, you ordered it? 142 00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:37,889 This is mine. 143 00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:40,461 - Hey, does anybody know what that movie was about? 144 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,760 I'll tell you what it was about, 145 00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:43,962 it was about an hour and a half too long. 146 00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:48,139 Oh, and don't forget, next week, 147 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,195 it's the head with two things, 148 00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:51,643 I mean "The Thing With Two Heads". 149 00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:54,109 And until then, this is Elvira, 150 00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:57,807 the gal who put the boobs back in the boob tube, 151 00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:02,751 saying unpleasant dreams. (spooky music) 152 00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,185 - [Crew] Got the news in one minute and counting. 153 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,016 - Very nice. 154 00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:09,215 What are you going? 155 00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:10,892 Hey, put me down, will ya? 156 00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:12,131 - How do you expect me to fix your hair 157 00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:13,485 if you keep moving around? - Idiot. 158 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,103 - Thanks, you guys. 159 00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:20,204 - Is there anything that could possibly shame you? 160 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:23,000 - Yeah, wearing this in a public place might do it. 161 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,580 - Get it, girlfriend. 162 00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:30,106 - We got the news and counting. 163 00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:33,376 - Elvira. 164 00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,450 - Not now, Rudy. 165 00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:35,977 - Wait a sec, wait a sec. 166 00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:37,623 See that guy over there? 167 00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:40,118 - What, the lard bucket in the 10 gallon hat? 168 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,590 - Yes, that's the station new owner. 169 00:08:42,590 --> 00:08:45,230 - From the edge of the sea to the end of the valley. 170 00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,085 - You what? - Shut up! 171 00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:48,134 Relax, relax. 172 00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:51,058 This guy's a millionaire, okay? 173 00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:55,944 Mr. Hooter, this is Elvira. 174 00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:01,140 - Name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn. 175 00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:03,841 Maybe you can guess why? 176 00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,354 - Gee, I don't know. 177 00:09:05,345 --> 00:09:08,245 Does it have anything to do with your breath? 178 00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:10,478 - Why don't we let this little filly get herself gussied up. 179 00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:14,223 The sooner I get in the saddle, the better. 180 00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,661 - Well, I'm sorry, partner, 181 00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:18,357 but it look like it's gonna be you 182 00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:20,358 and your trusty old right hand. 183 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:23,130 - Sounds like you're looking to get yourself fired, 184 00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:24,060 little lady. 185 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,574 - Go ahead and fire me. 186 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:28,295 I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror. 187 00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:32,011 It just so happens I have an act opening up in Las Vegas. 188 00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:35,335 - Well, terrific, you can try your act out on me. 189 00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:37,312 It's milking time. 190 00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:39,350 (Mr. Hooter yelps) 191 00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:41,076 - That's it, I'm walking. 192 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,321 I don't have to take this from anybody, 193 00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:45,145 and as for you, you cretinous cowpoke, 194 00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:47,022 if I ever see- - She's got Hooter. 195 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,720 Somebody on the floor get her outta there. 196 00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:50,692 - Within so much as 10 feet of me, 197 00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:53,991 and I'm gonna tie your weenie in a granny knot. 198 00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:56,204 (table clatters) 199 00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:58,096 - But you said she was a bimbo. 200 00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,298 - [Crew] Come on, will you? 201 00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:02,899 Not the ballgame. (groans) 202 00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:04,203 - You can't quit. 203 00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:05,444 - What's the big deal? 204 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:06,608 As soon as my show opens in Las Vegas, 205 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:07,876 I'll never have to host 206 00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:10,075 one of those crappo horror movies again. 207 00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:12,651 There's no problem with the show, is there? 208 00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:14,916 - Problem. (laughs) 209 00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:17,375 Complications maybe, but never a problem. 210 00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:19,524 - All right, out with it, Manny. 211 00:10:19,519 --> 00:10:23,519 - Okay, The Flamingo won't go ahead with the show 212 00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:25,663 unless you come up with some money to help finance it. 213 00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:27,329 - [Elvira] How much do they want? 214 00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:29,025 - $50,000. 215 00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:31,504 - $50,000? 216 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,133 Are you nuts? 217 00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:36,404 Where am I gonna come up with that kind of money? 218 00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,813 - Maybe it's not too late to get your job back? 219 00:10:38,806 --> 00:10:40,106 - Forget it, Manny. 220 00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:42,037 I'm never working for that sleazeball again. 221 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:46,176 I'll just have to find another sleazeball. 222 00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:48,449 (messenger knocks at door) 223 00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:49,378 - [Messenger] Telegram for Miss Elvira. 224 00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:50,382 - I'll take it. 225 00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:57,891 - Dear Elvira, as executor of the estate of your great aunt, 226 00:10:57,891 --> 00:11:00,191 Ms. Morgana Talbot, I'm sorry to inform you 227 00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:03,303 of her untimely passing. 228 00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:04,826 - Whoa, I didn't even know I had a good aunt, 229 00:11:04,832 --> 00:11:06,332 much less a great one. 230 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,173 Let me see that. 231 00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:09,996 It says here, all I have to do 232 00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,813 is come to Fallwell, Massachusetts, 233 00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:13,165 for the reading of the will, 234 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,473 and I'll pick up my inheritance. 235 00:11:14,474 --> 00:11:16,914 Is that timing or what? 236 00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:21,679 (Elvira sniffles) 237 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:26,091 - And lastly, to my enchanting niece, Elvira, 238 00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:27,856 who has unflinchingly withstood 239 00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:30,455 the slings and arrows of an imperfect world 240 00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:34,157 without so much as a whimper or complaint, 241 00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:39,129 I bequeath my entire fortune. 242 00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:44,169 (Elvira sobs) 243 00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:48,281 Let's show Elvira exactly what she's inherited. 244 00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:50,805 (upbeat music) 245 00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,476 Elvira, you are going to start 246 00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:58,192 with something that dreams are made of, 247 00:11:58,185 --> 00:12:00,645 a beautiful new sailboat! 248 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:06,655 You're going to sail away sporty Sunchaser 2 from Snark. 249 00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:09,355 And that's not all. 250 00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:11,162 When you're tired of sailing, 251 00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:14,604 you'll drive home in this brand new Jeep Wrangler! 252 00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:17,241 - I needed one of those. 253 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,637 - And you'll sit down to dinner 254 00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:21,668 at this beautiful 10-piece dining room suite 255 00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:25,514 from American Heritage. (Elvira screams) 256 00:12:25,512 --> 00:12:28,282 And on top of all of that, money! 257 00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,024 Lots and lots of money! 258 00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:41,132 - Elvira, Elvira! 259 00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:42,228 Are you all right? 260 00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:45,296 - Go ahead and call The Flamingo, Manny. 261 00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:46,798 Tell them I'll have that 50 grand 262 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,270 as soon as I get back from Massachusetts. 263 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,239 Las Vegas, here I come. 264 00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:55,436 (upbeat rock music) 265 00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:58,282 * Hey hey 266 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:01,308 * Hey hey 267 00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:04,184 * Hey hey 268 00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:05,894 * Hey hey 269 00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:08,216 * I've been around, round and round * 270 00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:13,231 * I broke it up, 'cause you shot me down, yeah * 271 00:13:13,994 --> 00:13:17,064 * Oh yeah 272 00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:18,334 - Hop in, sailor. 273 00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:20,901 * I took a ride on your winding road * 274 00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:25,911 * Told you some secrets I ain't ever told before * 275 00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:30,279 * No more 276 00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:32,747 * Say, if you wanna meet me halfway * 277 00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:34,745 - Here, you forgot your axe. 278 00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:37,176 (hitchhiker screams) 279 00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:41,864 * I said once bitten, twice shy * 280 00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:46,556 * I said once bitten, twice shy * 281 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,929 (wolf howls) 282 00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:52,269 * There's a place just down the road * 283 00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:57,265 * Where the little ones have fallen souls, oh yeah * 284 00:13:57,938 --> 00:13:59,668 * Oh yeah 285 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,542 (siren blares) 286 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:04,311 * Take me to Shanghai, take me away * 287 00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:07,881 * I need a rest from this crazy masquerade * 288 00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:09,081 - You know you were doing 50 289 00:14:09,082 --> 00:14:11,022 in a 25 mile per hour zone? 290 00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:15,858 - Um, no, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it. (laughs) 291 00:14:20,793 --> 00:14:22,903 I gotta get a new joke. 292 00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,496 This one's costing me a fortune. 293 00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:30,665 * I said once bitten, twice shy * 294 00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:40,350 (attendant passes gas) 295 00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:52,288 * I go inside and order up some chicken fried steak * 296 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:53,662 - Hey? 297 00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:55,160 How about some gas? 298 00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:59,502 * Chicken fried steak, oh, chicken fried steak * 299 00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:04,439 * Taters and gravy and peas on a plate * 300 00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:06,442 (Elvira slams door) 301 00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:08,879 * Bring me two orders, don't make no mistake * 302 00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:13,875 * There ain't nothin' better than chicken fried steak * 303 00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:17,022 * Well, the first bite is the best bite * 304 00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:19,647 * It's the one that sets me free * 305 00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:24,662 * Smothered in gravy, it drips all over me * 306 00:15:25,558 --> 00:15:27,688 * My teeth sink down into it 307 00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:30,104 * It's more than I can take 308 00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:35,097 * When I started chewing on that chicken fried steak * 309 00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:41,066 * Chicken fried steak, oh, chicken fried steak * 310 00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:46,084 * Taters and gravy and peas on a plate * 311 00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:48,319 - You know, those things'll kill ya. 312 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:52,824 - Have a nice day! 313 00:15:56,356 --> 00:16:01,156 * If there ever comes a time I get my gun and I go wrong * 314 00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:03,431 * And the just says I must die 315 00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:06,130 * 'Cause the jury wants me gone * 316 00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:09,403 (gas station explodes) 317 00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:14,238 (upbeat rock music) 318 00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:22,717 * Hey, hey, hey 319 00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:39,929 * Just like a cat on a hot tin roof * 320 00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:43,202 * Feel I'm feminine, why can't you lose her * 321 00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:48,213 * Once bitten, twice shy 322 00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:53,379 * I said once bitten, twice shy * 323 00:16:54,981 --> 00:16:59,691 * I said once bitten, twice shy * 324 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,016 (wolf howls) 325 00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:07,985 (church bells ring) 326 00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:10,764 (peaceful music) 327 00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:18,539 (upbeat rock music) 328 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:21,208 * Say if you wanna meet me halfway * 329 00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:23,408 * Too damn bad 330 00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:28,420 * I said once bitten, twice shy * 331 00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:34,716 * I said once bitten, twice shy * 332 00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:37,389 * Come on 333 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:38,760 - I can make darn sure he doesn't get it. 334 00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:40,058 I have my ways, you know. 335 00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:46,673 (car hood clatters) 336 00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:51,800 - [Man] Keep the kids back, honey. 337 00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:53,274 - Well. 338 00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:54,113 - Oh, oh. 339 00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:57,605 Well, I never. 340 00:17:57,610 --> 00:18:00,550 - Yeah, and you never will with them soup cans on your head. 341 00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:01,807 - Listen, young lady. 342 00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:03,824 I don't know who you are or where you came from, 343 00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:06,516 but you most certainly don't fit in this town. 344 00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:08,459 Why, you don't even fit in that dress. 345 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,256 - Listen, sister, if I want your opinion, 346 00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:13,459 I'll beat it outta ya. 347 00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:16,034 - Anita. 348 00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:19,698 Anita, it's the antichrist, I tell you, the antichrist. 349 00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:22,669 - Can someone tell me where there's a garage around here? 350 00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:25,169 - Yeah, yeah, there's one right up the street. 351 00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:26,442 - Oh, (chuckles) 352 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,809 well, would one of you big strong men 353 00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:32,249 mind giving me a little push? 354 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:38,618 (upbeat rock music) 355 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,718 Easy, easy, don't scratch the paint. 356 00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:48,257 - She's incredible. 357 00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:49,731 - Man, what I wouldn't do 358 00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:51,899 for just one peek at those gazongas. 359 00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:52,928 - [Boy] They're unreal. 360 00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:55,096 - Oh, great. 361 00:18:55,101 --> 00:18:56,471 That means I'm stuck in this hell hole. 362 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,539 I mean this quaint little hell hole. 363 00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:01,768 Listen, is there a motel or something around here? 364 00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:03,384 - Well, there's the Cozy Cot, 365 00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:06,146 down by the Widow Bishop's feed store. 366 00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,275 Of course, her son sort of took that over 367 00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:10,921 after she had that spelled a gingivitis. 368 00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:13,187 Her whole mouth swole up. 369 00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:15,916 It looked like she ate a box of staples. 370 00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,162 Folks were saying she got it 371 00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,086 from kissing that old dog of hers. 372 00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:23,959 Nice tits. 373 00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:26,973 (upbeat rock music) 374 00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:34,511 (wolf howls) 375 00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:38,040 - Yoo-hoo? 376 00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:42,484 (bell rings) 377 00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:43,982 Can I have a room? 378 00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:50,187 - Sorry, we're booked solid. 379 00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:52,189 - So how come it says vacancy out there? 380 00:19:58,097 --> 00:20:00,367 - Look, we do have a room. 381 00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:02,197 Remember the trucker with the bad skin 382 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,601 that checked out this morning? 383 00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:05,473 - Ew, I hope you changed the sheets. 384 00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:10,714 (striking guitar riff) 385 00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:13,414 Hi. 386 00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:16,183 - Is that makeup I see on your face, young lady? 387 00:20:17,149 --> 00:20:18,519 - No, ma'am. 388 00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,018 I mean, yes, ma'am. 389 00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:21,189 Well, just a little. 390 00:20:21,187 --> 00:20:22,357 - How many times have I told you 391 00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:24,385 you're too young to wear makeup? 392 00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:25,591 - Now, Mother, 393 00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:27,392 I don't see the harm- - Shut up, Lesley. 394 00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:28,864 - But Grandma, 395 00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:30,401 all the other girls at school are wearing makeup. 396 00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:32,567 - Well, if all the other girls at school jumped off a cliff, 397 00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,165 would you jump off a cliff? 398 00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:36,436 What, and you don't have that sense 399 00:20:36,436 --> 00:20:37,366 that you weren't born with. 400 00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:38,870 (bell rings) 401 00:20:38,871 --> 00:20:41,141 - I hate to interrupt this little episode of "The Waltons", 402 00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:43,110 but could I get a room? 403 00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:46,649 - Okay, but it's cash up front. 404 00:20:46,646 --> 00:20:51,616 I know what you pinko heavy metal weirdos do to motel rooms. 405 00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:55,115 Read all about it in "The Star". 406 00:20:55,121 --> 00:20:56,891 - I'll show the lady to her room. 407 00:20:56,889 --> 00:20:58,119 - Oh, no, you don't. 408 00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:03,026 (upbeat rock music) 409 00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:09,137 - Hey, don't let 'em get you down. 410 00:21:09,135 --> 00:21:10,665 I used to get the same line about makeup 411 00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:12,470 from the nuns at the orphanage. 412 00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,042 Of course, I was only eight. 413 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,940 Uh, I'm Elvira. 414 00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:17,783 - I'm Robin. 415 00:21:19,211 --> 00:21:22,951 - So, Robin, what's there to do for fun around here anyway? 416 00:21:22,949 --> 00:21:25,079 - This town isn't real big on fun. 417 00:21:25,084 --> 00:21:26,524 - [Elvira] Hmm. 418 00:21:26,519 --> 00:21:29,359 - Well, there is one place that's open, the bowling alley. 419 00:21:29,356 --> 00:21:31,316 That gets real wild on league night. 420 00:21:31,324 --> 00:21:34,834 - Gee, I think I can handle it. 421 00:21:34,827 --> 00:21:37,997 (upbeat rock music) 422 00:21:37,997 --> 00:21:40,567 (pins clatter) 423 00:21:43,235 --> 00:21:45,765 - Oh, I am so sure. 424 00:21:45,772 --> 00:21:47,712 They must think we're really stupid. 425 00:21:47,707 --> 00:21:50,137 They're gonna kill Spiderman with plutonium? 426 00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:52,512 He's got radioactive blood. 427 00:21:52,512 --> 00:21:53,852 - Oh, yeah? 428 00:21:53,846 --> 00:21:54,906 Let me see that. 429 00:21:58,317 --> 00:22:00,317 - Hey, man, what'd you do that for? 430 00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:01,089 - Shut up. 431 00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:10,157 Look at what just walked in. 432 00:22:18,104 --> 00:22:20,614 - Ooh, um, Bloody Mary. 433 00:22:20,607 --> 00:22:22,437 - No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. 434 00:22:22,442 --> 00:22:23,482 Do you want a virgin? 435 00:22:24,677 --> 00:22:27,177 - Maybe, but I'll have a couple of drinks first. 436 00:22:28,548 --> 00:22:31,778 (solemn country music) 437 00:22:39,158 --> 00:22:42,558 - Hey, baby, I got something to show you. 438 00:22:44,263 --> 00:22:46,633 - Sorry, I left my magnifying glass at home. 439 00:22:50,069 --> 00:22:52,439 - Hey, that's pretty good. 440 00:22:52,439 --> 00:22:56,039 Billy, no way to talk to a lady. 441 00:22:56,042 --> 00:22:59,052 So how about a blowjob? 442 00:22:59,045 --> 00:23:02,545 (Travis and Billy snicker) 443 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,990 (beer splashes) 444 00:23:18,297 --> 00:23:21,667 I bet you think that was pretty funny, don't ya? 445 00:23:21,668 --> 00:23:23,138 - I enjoyed it. 446 00:23:23,135 --> 00:23:25,635 - Yeah, well, you're gonna enjoy this even more. 447 00:23:25,638 --> 00:23:27,308 - [Elvira] I'll cut you, man. 448 00:23:28,340 --> 00:23:30,980 - [Billy] She stabbed me. 449 00:23:30,977 --> 00:23:32,237 - Faked ya out. 450 00:23:32,244 --> 00:23:34,084 - [Travis] Yeah, well, this ain't fake, baby, 451 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,220 so stand still, 'cause I'm gonna- 452 00:23:36,215 --> 00:23:38,785 (punches thud) 453 00:23:42,722 --> 00:23:46,562 - My name's Elvira, but you can call me tonight. 454 00:23:48,394 --> 00:23:50,934 - I'm Bob, Bob Redding. 455 00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:51,930 Pleased to meet you. 456 00:23:52,965 --> 00:23:54,795 - Look at this mess. 457 00:23:54,801 --> 00:23:56,301 Who the heck is gonna pay for it? 458 00:23:56,302 --> 00:23:58,612 - It's all right, Patty, I'll take care of the damages. 459 00:23:58,605 --> 00:24:02,335 - Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault. 460 00:24:02,341 --> 00:24:03,281 - Cheap? 461 00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:04,805 Who are you callin' cheap? 462 00:24:04,811 --> 00:24:07,251 What's that perfume you're wearing, catch of the day? 463 00:24:07,246 --> 00:24:10,976 - Look, honey, I don't know which hole you crawled out of, 464 00:24:10,983 --> 00:24:12,953 but I suggest you crawl right back in 465 00:24:12,952 --> 00:24:14,552 if you know what's good for you. 466 00:24:15,488 --> 00:24:16,988 - You better watch out. 467 00:24:16,989 --> 00:24:18,589 You could put somebody's eyes out with them things. 468 00:24:19,759 --> 00:24:21,229 (Elvira clears throat) 469 00:24:21,227 --> 00:24:22,897 - Break it up. - We'd better go. 470 00:24:26,599 --> 00:24:29,739 - It looks like you've got some competition, Patty. 471 00:24:31,738 --> 00:24:36,208 - Charlie, trash does not compete with class. 472 00:24:38,945 --> 00:24:42,205 - Right down the street at the Cozy Cot. 473 00:24:42,214 --> 00:24:43,024 - Oh. 474 00:24:44,150 --> 00:24:46,190 So, what brought you to Fallwell? 475 00:24:46,185 --> 00:24:47,785 - My car. 476 00:24:47,787 --> 00:24:49,517 (Bob laughs) 477 00:24:49,522 --> 00:24:51,122 No, really, I'm here for the reading 478 00:24:51,123 --> 00:24:53,693 of my great aunt Morgana's will 479 00:24:53,693 --> 00:24:56,363 - Morgana Talbot, she's your aunt? 480 00:24:56,362 --> 00:24:59,832 - Yeah, it came as a surprise to me, too. 481 00:24:59,832 --> 00:25:03,142 - I never really knew her, but I sure admired her spunk. 482 00:25:03,135 --> 00:25:06,535 She never caved in the way everybody else in this town has. 483 00:25:06,539 --> 00:25:09,609 Well, I don't want to bore you with local politics. 484 00:25:10,877 --> 00:25:12,407 - Go ahead, bore me. 485 00:25:13,746 --> 00:25:15,846 - Okay, we've got this town council 486 00:25:15,848 --> 00:25:18,618 that lives in mortal fear that somewhere, 487 00:25:18,618 --> 00:25:21,918 somehow, somebody in Fallwell is having a good time. 488 00:25:21,921 --> 00:25:24,361 - Oh, a bunch of real preservatives, huh? 489 00:25:25,558 --> 00:25:27,058 - Oh. (chuckles) 490 00:25:27,059 --> 00:25:28,529 I run the movie house. 491 00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:29,527 - Oh, really? 492 00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:31,198 I'm in movies, too. 493 00:25:31,197 --> 00:25:34,597 Have you ever shown "I Married Satan"? 494 00:25:34,601 --> 00:25:35,901 - No. 495 00:25:35,902 --> 00:25:38,742 - How about the sequel, "I Married Satan 2"? 496 00:25:38,738 --> 00:25:39,568 - No. 497 00:25:41,140 --> 00:25:41,970 - Uh, hmm. 498 00:25:43,610 --> 00:25:45,310 - I can only play G-rated movies. 499 00:25:45,311 --> 00:25:48,081 - Oh, well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, 500 00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:51,080 as long as there's lots of sex and violence. 501 00:25:51,083 --> 00:25:53,923 Hey, listen, Bob, I'm only gonna be in town 502 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:57,320 for a couple of days and I can't think of anyone 503 00:25:57,323 --> 00:26:00,993 who I'd rather squeeze into my agenda. 504 00:26:02,695 --> 00:26:03,855 - Gee, that'd be swell. 505 00:26:12,004 --> 00:26:13,314 (truck door slams) 506 00:26:13,305 --> 00:26:16,075 (engine rumbles) 507 00:26:26,653 --> 00:26:28,293 - Oh, Mr. Talbot. 508 00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:33,961 Your sister was like a mother to me. 509 00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,360 - She was a mother to me, too, dear. 510 00:26:36,362 --> 00:26:38,362 Well, now that we've dispensed 511 00:26:38,364 --> 00:26:40,434 with the obligatory display of bereavement, 512 00:26:40,432 --> 00:26:42,702 you may begin the proceedings, Mr. Bigelow. 513 00:26:44,170 --> 00:26:46,910 - It was Mrs. Talbot's wish to have all of her relatives 514 00:26:46,906 --> 00:26:48,366 present for the reading of the will. 515 00:26:48,374 --> 00:26:51,114 - All of her relatives are present, 516 00:26:51,110 --> 00:26:54,010 me, myself, and I. 517 00:26:56,548 --> 00:27:00,488 - Well, apparently, Mrs. Talbot has a grand niece, Elvira, 518 00:27:00,486 --> 00:27:02,986 who is also one of the beneficiaries. 519 00:27:02,989 --> 00:27:04,759 - That's impossible. 520 00:27:04,757 --> 00:27:05,687 - Well- 521 00:27:05,692 --> 00:27:07,962 - Who is this grand niece? 522 00:27:09,328 --> 00:27:11,058 - Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. 523 00:27:11,063 --> 00:27:12,333 But then, so's my aunt. 524 00:27:13,265 --> 00:27:14,065 Hey, what'd she die of? 525 00:27:14,066 --> 00:27:15,896 Nothing serious, I hope. 526 00:27:15,902 --> 00:27:17,502 Say, nice jacket. 527 00:27:17,503 --> 00:27:20,273 Who shot the couch? (laughs) 528 00:27:20,272 --> 00:27:22,242 Hey, is there a bathroom around here? 529 00:27:22,241 --> 00:27:23,881 I'm telling you, that toilet over at the Cozy Cot 530 00:27:23,876 --> 00:27:26,276 looks like somebody's science project. 531 00:27:26,278 --> 00:27:28,108 - Who is this woman? 532 00:27:28,114 --> 00:27:32,024 - This must be Mrs. Talbot's grand niece. 533 00:27:32,018 --> 00:27:37,018 Elvira, this is your great aunt's brother, Vincent Talbot. 534 00:27:37,023 --> 00:27:40,533 - If she was my aunt and you're her brother, 535 00:27:40,526 --> 00:27:43,856 then you must be my Uncle Vinny! 536 00:27:44,731 --> 00:27:46,831 - Get this woman off of me. 537 00:27:46,833 --> 00:27:50,903 - Oh, and you must be Auntie Em and Uncle Remus. 538 00:27:50,903 --> 00:27:52,673 Oh, there's no place like home. 539 00:27:52,671 --> 00:27:55,171 There's no place like home. 540 00:27:55,174 --> 00:27:58,384 - Hurry up, Bigelow, let's get on with it. 541 00:27:58,377 --> 00:27:59,807 - Yeah, really. 542 00:27:59,812 --> 00:28:02,922 Let's get going before somebody else dies. (laughs) 543 00:28:07,987 --> 00:28:10,617 - This is the certified and only last will and testament 544 00:28:10,622 --> 00:28:13,462 of the deceased, Morgana Talbot. 545 00:28:13,459 --> 00:28:16,029 To my housekeeper, Mrs. Morrissey, 546 00:28:16,028 --> 00:28:17,798 for years of loyalty and devotion, 547 00:28:17,797 --> 00:28:19,497 I leave my silver tea service 548 00:28:19,498 --> 00:28:22,028 and a cash allotment of $5,000. 549 00:28:22,034 --> 00:28:23,974 - Oh, no. (sobs) 550 00:28:25,504 --> 00:28:27,014 - Hey, babe, what you whining about? 551 00:28:27,006 --> 00:28:28,606 You made out like a bandit. 552 00:28:29,508 --> 00:28:32,478 - To Mr. Morrissey, my driver, 553 00:28:32,478 --> 00:28:36,748 I leave my automobile and an allotment of $5,000. 554 00:28:36,749 --> 00:28:38,949 - Whoa, dude, 10 grand just for the help? 555 00:28:38,951 --> 00:28:42,291 That old gal must have really been loaded. 556 00:28:42,288 --> 00:28:45,658 Oh, I mean, dear, sweet Aunt Morgana certainly was generous. 557 00:28:46,926 --> 00:28:48,186 What's it say about me? 558 00:28:48,194 --> 00:28:49,764 What'd I get, what'd I get, what'd I get? 559 00:28:51,831 --> 00:28:54,201 - To my grand niece, Elvira. 560 00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:55,940 - Come on, lay it on me, Aunt Morgana. 561 00:28:55,935 --> 00:28:57,765 Big bucks, big bucks. 562 00:29:01,573 --> 00:29:04,983 - I bequeath my house, my beloved poodle, Algonquin, 563 00:29:04,977 --> 00:29:06,907 and my precious book of recipes. 564 00:29:07,814 --> 00:29:09,084 - That's it? 565 00:29:09,081 --> 00:29:10,451 A house, a dog, and a book. 566 00:29:12,084 --> 00:29:14,124 - Please, if you will allow me to finish. 567 00:29:15,254 --> 00:29:18,224 And finally, to my dear brother, Vincent, 568 00:29:18,224 --> 00:29:21,394 I leave the rest of my estate and holdings, 569 00:29:21,393 --> 00:29:22,763 of which there is none. 570 00:29:24,931 --> 00:29:27,171 - Where's the cash? 571 00:29:27,166 --> 00:29:28,996 Where's the furniture? 572 00:29:29,001 --> 00:29:30,571 Where's Bob Eubanks? 573 00:29:32,738 --> 00:29:33,838 - He wasn't mentioned. 574 00:29:35,574 --> 00:29:37,114 - I don't get it, man, 575 00:29:37,109 --> 00:29:39,579 boss, what's so important about a dumb recipe book? 576 00:29:39,578 --> 00:29:43,218 - That dumb recipe book contains more power 577 00:29:43,215 --> 00:29:45,915 than your feeble little minds can ever imagine, 578 00:29:45,918 --> 00:29:47,648 and it rightfully belongs to me. 579 00:29:47,653 --> 00:29:50,123 I must have that book. 580 00:29:51,323 --> 00:29:52,993 - Great, just what I need, a house. 581 00:29:52,992 --> 00:29:55,902 I need a house in Fallwell like I need a padded bra. 582 00:29:57,396 --> 00:29:58,326 I can't live here. 583 00:29:58,330 --> 00:30:00,200 I'll go crazy, I tell ya. 584 00:30:00,199 --> 00:30:02,939 (man grunts) 585 00:30:02,935 --> 00:30:03,765 - Crazy! 586 00:30:05,905 --> 00:30:07,935 - May I offer you a ride? 587 00:30:07,940 --> 00:30:09,940 - Buzz off, creep, I'm not in the mood. 588 00:30:09,942 --> 00:30:11,512 Oh, it's you, Uncle Vinny. 589 00:30:11,510 --> 00:30:12,340 - Yes. 590 00:30:13,846 --> 00:30:15,406 Uncle Vinny. 591 00:30:15,414 --> 00:30:17,984 I must apologize for my behavior in the office. 592 00:30:17,984 --> 00:30:21,494 It's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me. 593 00:30:21,487 --> 00:30:22,717 - That's okay. 594 00:30:22,721 --> 00:30:23,961 My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody. 595 00:30:23,956 --> 00:30:26,426 - Yes, well, as you may have surmised, 596 00:30:26,425 --> 00:30:28,025 my sister and I, well, 597 00:30:28,027 --> 00:30:32,027 let's just say we had our differences. 598 00:30:32,031 --> 00:30:33,231 - Yeah, I guess. 599 00:30:33,232 --> 00:30:34,972 You really got shafted. 600 00:30:34,967 --> 00:30:37,567 Look, I'll tell you what, Uncle Vinny, 601 00:30:37,569 --> 00:30:39,309 I'll share my inheritance with you. 602 00:30:39,305 --> 00:30:40,135 You can have a dog. 603 00:30:40,139 --> 00:30:41,269 - No, thank you. 604 00:30:42,774 --> 00:30:45,954 But I would be interested in acquiring that recipe book, 605 00:30:45,945 --> 00:30:47,945 you know, for sentimental reasons, 606 00:30:47,947 --> 00:30:50,617 I'd be willing to pay you, say, $50. 607 00:30:50,616 --> 00:30:53,146 - Hey, sure, I'll do it for 50 bucks. 608 00:30:53,152 --> 00:30:53,952 - Oh. 609 00:30:55,621 --> 00:30:57,361 - Vinny, you got yourself a cookbook. 610 00:30:57,356 --> 00:30:59,026 That lawyer guy is taking me over to the house, 611 00:30:59,025 --> 00:31:00,285 so you can pick it up there later. 612 00:31:00,292 --> 00:31:01,892 - Fine, I'll see you there. 613 00:31:03,295 --> 00:31:07,895 - Oh, don't forget to bring the cash. (chuckles) 614 00:31:08,367 --> 00:31:08,797 - Drive. 615 00:31:10,236 --> 00:31:11,896 * If one of those bottles should happen to fall * 616 00:31:11,904 --> 00:31:12,744 - Oh, we're here. 617 00:31:16,909 --> 00:31:19,409 - [Child] I'm coming, wait up! 618 00:31:20,812 --> 00:31:22,712 - Hey, this place ain't half bad. 619 00:31:22,714 --> 00:31:24,624 Bet you could get a bundle for it. 620 00:31:24,616 --> 00:31:27,886 - Yes, you could, but your house is over there. 621 00:31:29,355 --> 00:31:31,955 (spooky music) 622 00:31:41,367 --> 00:31:43,967 - Oh, Mr. Talbot, I just wanted to thank you 623 00:31:43,970 --> 00:31:46,870 for that generous donation you made to the Morality Club. 624 00:31:46,872 --> 00:31:48,372 - You're quite welcome. 625 00:31:48,374 --> 00:31:51,084 You know, as I always say, morals aren't cheap. 626 00:31:51,077 --> 00:31:52,877 And speaking of cheap, 627 00:31:52,878 --> 00:31:55,578 a little birdie told me that that Elvira woman 628 00:31:55,581 --> 00:31:57,281 is related to you. 629 00:31:57,283 --> 00:31:59,893 Now, not that it's any of my business, 630 00:31:59,885 --> 00:32:01,715 but then, of course everything is. 631 00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:05,120 - Believe me, I'm as anxious to get rid of her as you are. 632 00:32:05,124 --> 00:32:06,394 - Oh, good, you know, 633 00:32:06,392 --> 00:32:08,162 because someone like that comes to town, 634 00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:09,360 the next thing you know, 635 00:32:09,361 --> 00:32:11,201 they're teaching sex education in the schools 636 00:32:11,197 --> 00:32:13,597 and they're passing out condoms to kindergartners. 637 00:32:13,599 --> 00:32:15,599 You remember when those swarthy fellows- 638 00:32:15,601 --> 00:32:17,541 - She won't be with us very long. 639 00:32:18,437 --> 00:32:20,237 - Oh, um. 640 00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:22,170 Why, uh. 641 00:32:23,342 --> 00:32:25,442 Well, I know I'm needed somewhere. 642 00:32:25,444 --> 00:32:27,484 Chastity Pariah can do. 643 00:32:27,479 --> 00:32:28,479 Bye bye now. 644 00:32:29,982 --> 00:32:32,852 (spooky music) 645 00:32:32,851 --> 00:32:34,891 - Careful, some of the boards are loose. 646 00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:40,457 - What a dump. 647 00:32:40,459 --> 00:32:42,859 - Like I said, the house needs a little something. 648 00:32:44,196 --> 00:32:46,796 - Yeah, like a wrecking ball. 649 00:32:46,798 --> 00:32:49,638 (Algonquin barks) 650 00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:53,509 - I think Algonquin likes you. 651 00:32:53,505 --> 00:32:54,935 - Here doggy, go on. 652 00:32:54,940 --> 00:32:56,480 Go chase this into the street. 653 00:32:58,810 --> 00:33:00,680 I can't stand little dogs. 654 00:33:00,679 --> 00:33:02,909 Boy, if my aunt wasn't dead, I kill her. 655 00:33:02,914 --> 00:33:06,094 (floorboard creaks) 656 00:33:06,085 --> 00:33:07,645 Sorry, Aunt Morgana. 657 00:33:07,653 --> 00:33:08,793 Just kiddin'. 658 00:33:13,259 --> 00:33:15,859 - Here's the rest of your inheritance, 659 00:33:15,861 --> 00:33:17,931 your great aunt's recipe book. 660 00:33:23,302 --> 00:33:25,402 - Oh, yeah, some inheritance. 661 00:33:25,404 --> 00:33:27,574 Well, at least I'm getting 50 bucks for it. 662 00:33:29,041 --> 00:33:30,611 Say, how much you think I could get for this place? 663 00:33:30,609 --> 00:33:32,939 - Well, even though the house is in disrepair, 664 00:33:32,944 --> 00:33:34,654 it is in a prime location. 665 00:33:34,646 --> 00:33:37,846 I'd venture to say you could get 70,000. 666 00:33:37,849 --> 00:33:39,149 - 70 grand? 667 00:33:39,151 --> 00:33:40,891 - Maybe more, if it were fixed up. 668 00:33:40,886 --> 00:33:43,086 Would you be interested in selling? 669 00:33:43,089 --> 00:33:45,059 - Does the chicken have a pecker? 670 00:33:45,057 --> 00:33:45,887 Course I'm interested. 671 00:33:50,562 --> 00:33:53,932 (quizzical music) 672 00:33:53,932 --> 00:33:56,002 Now, what am I gonna do with you? 673 00:33:59,138 --> 00:34:01,568 (upbeat rock music) 674 00:34:01,573 --> 00:34:04,243 (clippers whir) 675 00:34:05,777 --> 00:34:07,677 That's more like it, Algonquin. 676 00:34:09,181 --> 00:34:12,081 Algonquin, what a sissy name. 677 00:34:12,984 --> 00:34:15,094 Let's see, what do I call ya? 678 00:34:15,087 --> 00:34:16,757 I know, Gonk. 679 00:34:16,755 --> 00:34:18,055 How do you like that? 680 00:34:18,056 --> 00:34:21,256 (Gonk growls) 681 00:34:21,260 --> 00:34:23,700 (Gonk barks) 682 00:34:27,199 --> 00:34:30,269 (Vincent knocks) 683 00:34:30,269 --> 00:34:32,339 Yeah, hold your horses. 684 00:34:32,338 --> 00:34:35,668 (Vincent knocks) 685 00:34:35,674 --> 00:34:36,614 Hi, Uncle Vinny. 686 00:34:36,608 --> 00:34:37,408 You're here for the book, right? 687 00:34:37,409 --> 00:34:38,739 Come on in. 688 00:34:38,744 --> 00:34:40,214 Oh, can I make you a cup of tea or something? 689 00:34:40,212 --> 00:34:42,552 - I wouldn't want to put you to any trouble. 690 00:34:42,548 --> 00:34:44,148 - Hmm, good point. 691 00:34:44,150 --> 00:34:46,450 - I can't stay very long anyway. 692 00:34:46,452 --> 00:34:48,692 - Say, you wouldn't want to buy a house, would ya? 693 00:34:48,687 --> 00:34:49,957 - I'm afraid not. 694 00:34:49,955 --> 00:34:50,855 - I'll sell it to you really cheap. 695 00:34:50,856 --> 00:34:52,356 - No, thank you. 696 00:34:52,358 --> 00:34:54,328 - Vinny, they don't make houses like this anymore. 697 00:34:54,326 --> 00:34:56,126 I mean, looking at detailing, 698 00:34:56,128 --> 00:34:58,028 look at that craftsmanship. 699 00:34:59,765 --> 00:35:01,225 What would you pay for a house like this? 700 00:35:01,233 --> 00:35:03,173 Don't answer, because you not only get a house, 701 00:35:03,169 --> 00:35:04,399 if you act right now, 702 00:35:04,403 --> 00:35:06,373 you also get all this beautiful furniture. 703 00:35:06,372 --> 00:35:07,612 Now, what would you pay? 704 00:35:07,606 --> 00:35:08,706 I'm telling you it's a jewel box, 705 00:35:08,707 --> 00:35:10,577 a gem, a love hutch for two. 706 00:35:10,576 --> 00:35:12,306 I'd bend over backwards to make you a deal. 707 00:35:12,311 --> 00:35:13,511 I'd bend over forwards. 708 00:35:13,512 --> 00:35:15,152 Well, I'd on my head and eat a bug. 709 00:35:15,147 --> 00:35:16,107 - No! 710 00:35:16,114 --> 00:35:17,284 Just the book! 711 00:35:19,218 --> 00:35:21,648 - Okay, if you're gonna get crabby about it. 712 00:35:23,889 --> 00:35:26,989 (floorboard squeaks) 713 00:35:29,261 --> 00:35:30,731 That's weird. 714 00:35:30,729 --> 00:35:33,129 I would have sworn the book was just on that table. 715 00:35:33,131 --> 00:35:35,201 - You promised me that book. 716 00:35:35,201 --> 00:35:37,301 - Hey, don't get your panties in a bunch. 717 00:35:37,303 --> 00:35:38,743 Didn't just walk away. 718 00:35:38,737 --> 00:35:39,667 I'm sure it'll turn up. 719 00:35:39,671 --> 00:35:42,711 - Yes, of course it will. 720 00:35:44,676 --> 00:35:45,506 Forgive me. 721 00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:51,717 (Gonk growls) 722 00:35:51,717 --> 00:35:52,877 Thinks he's a pit bull. 723 00:35:57,256 --> 00:36:00,056 (thunder rumbles) 724 00:36:02,928 --> 00:36:06,028 (bed squeaks) 725 00:36:06,031 --> 00:36:07,871 Good thing I'm not gonna be here very long. 726 00:36:07,866 --> 00:36:09,666 Neighbors would never get any sleep. 727 00:36:11,670 --> 00:36:14,440 (rain splatters) 728 00:36:17,243 --> 00:36:19,143 - About time, doofus. 729 00:36:19,144 --> 00:36:20,714 Did you bring the camera? 730 00:36:20,712 --> 00:36:21,982 - What do I look like, an idiot? 731 00:36:21,980 --> 00:36:23,180 - You really want me to answer that? 732 00:36:23,181 --> 00:36:24,021 - Shut up, you guys. 733 00:36:24,015 --> 00:36:24,845 She's gonna hear us. 734 00:36:36,695 --> 00:36:38,755 - Mirror, mirror on the wall, 735 00:36:38,764 --> 00:36:41,904 who's the most drop dead gorgeous one of all? 736 00:36:43,369 --> 00:36:45,839 Oh, you're just saying that. 737 00:36:49,708 --> 00:36:52,538 (thunder rumbles) 738 00:37:06,558 --> 00:37:07,888 - [Bo] What do you see? 739 00:37:07,893 --> 00:37:09,133 What do you see? - In a minute. 740 00:37:09,127 --> 00:37:10,057 In a minute. 741 00:37:10,061 --> 00:37:11,401 - [Bo] Oh, my fingers. 742 00:37:11,397 --> 00:37:13,427 Guys, I can't see a thing. - In a minute. 743 00:37:13,432 --> 00:37:16,002 (sultry music) 744 00:37:19,004 --> 00:37:19,844 Whoa. 745 00:37:25,611 --> 00:37:26,911 - [Bo] Hey, don't drop it. 746 00:37:26,912 --> 00:37:28,412 - Ow. - Let me see. 747 00:37:47,132 --> 00:37:47,972 - Awesome. 748 00:37:51,670 --> 00:37:52,500 I gotcha. 749 00:37:54,673 --> 00:37:56,313 - [Bo] Guys, it's my turn. 750 00:37:56,308 --> 00:37:57,578 Did you get it? 751 00:37:58,910 --> 00:38:01,580 (Elvira screams) 752 00:38:02,914 --> 00:38:04,954 - Haven't you boys got someplace else to hang around? 753 00:38:04,950 --> 00:38:08,620 - We heard you might need a little help fixing up the place. 754 00:38:08,620 --> 00:38:10,090 - That's very thoughtful, 755 00:38:10,088 --> 00:38:12,118 but why don't you come back when the light's better? 756 00:38:12,123 --> 00:38:13,533 Okay, good night. 757 00:38:14,693 --> 00:38:17,033 (boys yell) 758 00:38:19,565 --> 00:38:20,495 - You blew it. 759 00:38:20,499 --> 00:38:22,769 - Did you see those gazongas? 760 00:38:22,768 --> 00:38:24,538 - Awesome. - I got it. 761 00:38:24,536 --> 00:38:27,666 - All right, yeah! - All right. 762 00:38:27,673 --> 00:38:30,913 (thunder rumbles) 763 00:38:30,909 --> 00:38:33,909 (suspenseful music) 764 00:38:35,947 --> 00:38:37,547 - [Morgana] Elvira. 765 00:38:41,587 --> 00:38:42,417 Elvira. 766 00:38:53,465 --> 00:38:54,295 Elvira. 767 00:39:05,043 --> 00:39:05,883 Elvira. 768 00:39:19,157 --> 00:39:21,657 (door creaks) 769 00:39:34,740 --> 00:39:37,510 (Elvira screams) 770 00:39:49,555 --> 00:39:51,615 - Oh, out, out, out, out. 771 00:39:52,891 --> 00:39:55,731 (thunder rumbles) 772 00:40:05,437 --> 00:40:08,207 (peaceful music) 773 00:40:14,379 --> 00:40:15,309 - Hi, Elvira. 774 00:40:15,313 --> 00:40:16,213 - Hi! 775 00:40:16,214 --> 00:40:17,684 - Oh, hi, you're here. 776 00:40:17,683 --> 00:40:19,453 - Richard's folks run the hardware store 777 00:40:19,451 --> 00:40:20,821 and we got lots of paint. 778 00:40:20,819 --> 00:40:23,719 - Oh, too bad they don't own the bank. 779 00:40:23,722 --> 00:40:24,922 Uh, I'll be right down. 780 00:40:27,726 --> 00:40:29,386 Let's do it. 781 00:40:29,394 --> 00:40:30,904 * You know you make me wanna shout * 782 00:40:30,896 --> 00:40:32,126 * Kick my heels up and shout 783 00:40:32,130 --> 00:40:33,930 * Throw my hands up and shout 784 00:40:33,932 --> 00:40:35,432 * Throw my head back and shout 785 00:40:35,433 --> 00:40:37,303 - Hey, Elvira, we got us a couple more volunteers. 786 00:40:38,470 --> 00:40:40,910 - Great, just grab a tool and start bangin'. 787 00:40:40,906 --> 00:40:43,036 * Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 788 00:40:43,041 --> 00:40:45,111 * Say you will 789 00:40:45,110 --> 00:40:46,610 * Say it right now, baby 790 00:40:46,612 --> 00:40:50,752 * Say you will 791 00:40:52,518 --> 00:40:53,688 - Hi, Elvira. 792 00:40:53,685 --> 00:40:55,585 - Hi, Robin, come on in. 793 00:40:55,587 --> 00:40:57,217 * Say that you need me 794 00:40:57,222 --> 00:40:58,762 * You wanna please me 795 00:40:58,757 --> 00:41:00,287 * Come on now 796 00:41:00,291 --> 00:41:01,661 * Come on now 797 00:41:01,660 --> 00:41:04,860 - Randy, can you hand me that rag? 798 00:41:04,863 --> 00:41:06,133 Randy? 799 00:41:06,131 --> 00:41:09,401 - Sorry, I, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. 800 00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:13,570 * When you used to be nine years old * 801 00:41:13,572 --> 00:41:15,012 - Young lady! 802 00:41:16,508 --> 00:41:18,578 Robin Meeker, what in the name of tarnation 803 00:41:18,577 --> 00:41:20,107 are you doing here? 804 00:41:20,111 --> 00:41:22,251 You're gonna pay dearly. - Robin? 805 00:41:22,247 --> 00:41:24,647 - I'm going to find out about this, young lady. 806 00:41:24,650 --> 00:41:25,580 - Robin? 807 00:41:25,584 --> 00:41:26,894 - [Grandma] Come over here. 808 00:41:26,885 --> 00:41:28,585 When you gonna learn to do what you're told? 809 00:41:28,587 --> 00:41:30,357 If you don't learn to do what you're told, 810 00:41:30,355 --> 00:41:32,255 you're gonna end up on the streets. 811 00:41:32,257 --> 00:41:33,587 * You know you make me wanna shout * 812 00:41:33,592 --> 00:41:34,892 * Lift my head up and shout 813 00:41:34,893 --> 00:41:36,433 * Throw my hands back and shout * 814 00:41:36,427 --> 00:41:38,097 * Come on, now, shout 815 00:41:38,096 --> 00:41:39,426 * Come on, now, shout 816 00:41:39,430 --> 00:41:41,170 * Come on, now, shout 817 00:41:41,166 --> 00:41:42,796 * All right, now, shout 818 00:41:42,801 --> 00:41:44,241 * Come on, now, shout 819 00:41:44,235 --> 00:41:45,565 * Come on, yeah, shout 820 00:41:45,571 --> 00:41:47,071 * Come on, now, shout 821 00:41:47,072 --> 00:41:48,642 * Come on, yeah, shout 822 00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:50,240 * Come on, now, shout 823 00:41:50,241 --> 00:41:51,881 * Come on, shout 824 00:41:51,877 --> 00:41:53,877 * Come on, now, shout - Lemonade? 825 00:41:53,879 --> 00:41:57,019 * Come on, yeah, shout 826 00:41:57,015 --> 00:42:01,645 * Come on, now, shout 827 00:42:03,254 --> 00:42:04,794 - It's fabulous. 828 00:42:04,790 --> 00:42:06,660 * You know, you make me wanna shout * 829 00:42:06,658 --> 00:42:08,728 (teens cheer) 830 00:42:08,727 --> 00:42:10,597 * Come on, now, shout 831 00:42:10,596 --> 00:42:11,896 * Come on, now 832 00:42:11,897 --> 00:42:13,297 - I tell you I nearly died. 833 00:42:13,298 --> 00:42:16,528 There she was, parading around in clothes 834 00:42:16,534 --> 00:42:18,944 that couldn't keep a titmouse dry in a drizzle. 835 00:42:18,937 --> 00:42:21,837 I mean, it was next to nothing. 836 00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:24,310 - I'd say it was next to plenty. 837 00:42:24,309 --> 00:42:26,879 - And she had half the teenagers in town 838 00:42:26,878 --> 00:42:30,378 writhing around to that jungle music. 839 00:42:30,381 --> 00:42:31,621 - And this morning, 840 00:42:31,617 --> 00:42:33,817 on my regular tour of the boys' lavatory, 841 00:42:33,819 --> 00:42:35,919 I confiscated this. 842 00:42:38,489 --> 00:42:39,319 - Hmm. 843 00:42:42,360 --> 00:42:44,900 - I'll be making the announcement this afternoon. 844 00:42:44,896 --> 00:42:47,996 Henceforth, all students will be subject 845 00:42:47,999 --> 00:42:50,469 to immediate expulsion if they are found 846 00:42:50,468 --> 00:42:53,638 in the company of that floozy. 847 00:42:53,639 --> 00:42:57,309 - Please, I don't think we need to resort to name calling. 848 00:42:57,308 --> 00:42:59,008 I think what Calvin is trying to say 849 00:42:59,010 --> 00:43:03,510 is that this Elvira is a person of easy virtue, 850 00:43:03,514 --> 00:43:05,054 a purveyor of pulchritude, 851 00:43:05,050 --> 00:43:08,620 a one-woman Sodom and Gomorrah, if you will. 852 00:43:08,620 --> 00:43:11,990 A slimy, slithering succubus, 853 00:43:11,990 --> 00:43:15,130 a concubine, a streetwalker, a tramp, a slut, 854 00:43:15,126 --> 00:43:16,186 a cheap whore! 855 00:43:17,996 --> 00:43:19,696 - She'll be nothing but a bad dream 856 00:43:19,698 --> 00:43:21,598 just as soon as she sells that property. 857 00:43:21,599 --> 00:43:23,669 An open house has already been planned for tomorrow. 858 00:43:23,669 --> 00:43:25,669 - But what if she decides not to sell? 859 00:43:26,805 --> 00:43:29,105 What if she decides to settle here? 860 00:43:29,107 --> 00:43:31,277 - Well, if she's morally unfit, 861 00:43:31,276 --> 00:43:33,776 then we have every right to do anything we can 862 00:43:33,779 --> 00:43:34,909 to get her out of this town. 863 00:43:34,913 --> 00:43:36,483 Are we agreed? 864 00:43:36,481 --> 00:43:37,921 - Here, here. - Absolutely. 865 00:43:37,916 --> 00:43:40,046 - Maybe we're not being entirely objective about this. 866 00:43:40,051 --> 00:43:41,791 - Shut up, Lesley. 867 00:43:41,787 --> 00:43:43,147 - Then it's unanimous. 868 00:43:43,154 --> 00:43:45,664 (gavel bangs) 869 00:43:45,657 --> 00:43:48,987 - Harold Glotter, Fallwell Real Estate. 870 00:43:48,994 --> 00:43:51,504 - Well, I sure hope you got a buyer. 871 00:43:51,496 --> 00:43:53,596 I haven't had so much as a looky-loo. 872 00:43:53,598 --> 00:43:54,428 - Don't worry. 873 00:43:57,402 --> 00:43:58,772 I have some wealthy investor friends 874 00:43:58,770 --> 00:44:00,170 that'd buy this house in a minute, 875 00:44:00,171 --> 00:44:03,311 that is, if you play your cards right? 876 00:44:03,308 --> 00:44:06,478 - Oh, honey, I'd do anything to get rid of this rat trap. 877 00:44:06,477 --> 00:44:09,007 - That's what I like, a motivated seller. 878 00:44:09,948 --> 00:44:11,618 It's all a matter of technique. 879 00:44:11,616 --> 00:44:13,576 For starters, let's try and 880 00:44:15,286 --> 00:44:18,016 set the proper mood. (seductive music) 881 00:44:18,023 --> 00:44:19,193 - Oh, good idea. 882 00:44:19,190 --> 00:44:21,030 I mean, the less they see, the better. 883 00:44:22,460 --> 00:44:24,830 - Then, it's simply a matter of getting close to the buyer. 884 00:44:24,830 --> 00:44:27,300 Tell them all about the potential appreciation 885 00:44:27,298 --> 00:44:30,938 and guide him through every nook and cranny, 886 00:44:30,936 --> 00:44:35,166 slowly unveil everything, from the balcony to the basement, 887 00:44:35,173 --> 00:44:36,543 one area at a time. 888 00:44:36,541 --> 00:44:38,881 Then, when he's so enthralled he's ready to burst, 889 00:44:38,877 --> 00:44:41,377 you clench the deal! 890 00:44:43,081 --> 00:44:44,281 Ow! 891 00:44:44,282 --> 00:44:45,482 You'll be sorry. 892 00:44:45,483 --> 00:44:47,823 You'll never sell this place without me. 893 00:44:47,819 --> 00:44:52,159 - Just because this house is up for grabs doesn't mean I am. 894 00:44:52,157 --> 00:44:54,457 (Gonk barks) 895 00:44:54,459 --> 00:44:56,389 - Ah, get this dog off! 896 00:44:59,497 --> 00:45:01,127 Get back, get outta here. 897 00:45:03,034 --> 00:45:05,944 (melancholy music) 898 00:45:26,557 --> 00:45:29,057 (phone rings) 899 00:45:34,833 --> 00:45:37,103 - "Calm down, Manny," she says. 900 00:45:37,102 --> 00:45:39,102 I've got The Flamingo breathing down my neck 901 00:45:39,104 --> 00:45:41,014 to cough up the dough to hold that showroom, 902 00:45:41,006 --> 00:45:42,766 and you're telling me to calm down. 903 00:45:42,774 --> 00:45:45,144 - I told ya, I'll come up with the money. 904 00:45:45,143 --> 00:45:49,213 Heck, I was just six inches from selling this house today. 905 00:45:49,214 --> 00:45:52,524 - Look, kid, you better get that money here pronto 906 00:45:52,517 --> 00:45:54,547 or your through, do you hear me? 907 00:45:54,552 --> 00:45:57,762 The only showroom you'll see in Vegas'll have Toyotas in it! 908 00:45:58,689 --> 00:46:01,259 (Elvira sighs) 909 00:46:01,259 --> 00:46:04,099 (seductive music) 910 00:46:09,467 --> 00:46:14,007 - And now I understand she is out looking for a job. 911 00:46:14,005 --> 00:46:16,705 (women chatter in high speed) 912 00:46:16,707 --> 00:46:19,607 * And so in love as we 913 00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:24,620 * And bewildered by the world we see * 914 00:46:25,350 --> 00:46:26,680 - [Billy] Let's go. 915 00:46:29,087 --> 00:46:31,817 * Only those in love would know * 916 00:46:31,823 --> 00:46:36,833 * What a town without pity can do * 917 00:46:38,029 --> 00:46:42,369 * If we stop to gaze upon a star * 918 00:46:43,534 --> 00:46:48,174 * People talk about how bad we are * 919 00:46:49,607 --> 00:46:52,077 - There's no book upstairs, but I found these panties. 920 00:46:52,077 --> 00:46:53,507 Try one, they're edible. 921 00:46:55,713 --> 00:47:00,053 * What a town without pity can do * 922 00:47:00,051 --> 00:47:01,421 - Now, keep looking. 923 00:47:04,122 --> 00:47:07,032 (Gonk growls) 924 00:47:07,025 --> 00:47:09,455 (Gonk barks) 925 00:47:15,967 --> 00:47:18,467 (door creaks) 926 00:47:19,670 --> 00:47:22,670 - Excuses, excuses. 927 00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:25,013 We turned the place inside out. 928 00:47:25,010 --> 00:47:26,810 - Yeah, and tell him about the dog. 929 00:47:28,213 --> 00:47:29,853 Well, it must have been the size of a water buffalo. 930 00:47:29,847 --> 00:47:30,677 - Quiet! 931 00:47:33,251 --> 00:47:35,351 Now, listen to me very carefully. 932 00:47:35,353 --> 00:47:36,823 I want you to go to the courthouse 933 00:47:36,821 --> 00:47:38,891 and remove all the records of the town ordinances 934 00:47:38,890 --> 00:47:40,690 and bring them back to me. 935 00:47:40,691 --> 00:47:42,461 Do you understand? 936 00:47:42,460 --> 00:47:43,730 - Yeah. - Yeah. 937 00:47:43,728 --> 00:47:45,058 - Then get out. 938 00:47:53,271 --> 00:47:57,681 - Come on, you dummy. - I told you, I'm going. 939 00:47:57,675 --> 00:47:59,435 * Oh, it isn't very pretty 940 00:47:59,444 --> 00:48:04,384 * What a town without pity can do * 941 00:48:15,927 --> 00:48:17,157 - Ow! 942 00:48:17,162 --> 00:48:19,202 - Oh my gosh, Elvira. 943 00:48:19,197 --> 00:48:20,697 I'm sorry. 944 00:48:20,698 --> 00:48:21,928 Are you all right? 945 00:48:21,933 --> 00:48:23,203 - Yeah, I think so. 946 00:48:23,201 --> 00:48:24,571 - How's your head? 947 00:48:24,569 --> 00:48:26,769 - I haven't had any complaints yet. 948 00:48:26,771 --> 00:48:27,611 - Excuse me? 949 00:48:28,873 --> 00:48:31,283 - Oh, I think I'll live. 950 00:48:31,276 --> 00:48:32,736 Believe me, 951 00:48:32,743 --> 00:48:34,013 it's not the worst thing that's happened to me today. 952 00:48:34,012 --> 00:48:35,052 I've been to every place in this town 953 00:48:35,046 --> 00:48:36,306 and no one will give me a job. 954 00:48:36,314 --> 00:48:39,324 It's like it's a conspiracy or something. 955 00:48:40,986 --> 00:48:42,516 - You know what your problem is? 956 00:48:42,520 --> 00:48:44,020 Chastity Pariah. 957 00:48:44,022 --> 00:48:45,922 - (gasps) Oh, I though that cleared up. 958 00:48:45,923 --> 00:48:47,963 - No, Chastity Pariah. 959 00:48:47,959 --> 00:48:49,159 She's the old biddy, 960 00:48:49,160 --> 00:48:50,830 she's got the whole town turned against you. 961 00:48:50,828 --> 00:48:54,898 - Oh, swell, so now no one'll hire me and I'm flat busted. 962 00:48:56,067 --> 00:48:57,737 No, I mean I'm broke. 963 00:48:59,604 --> 00:49:00,774 - I'd hire you if I could, 964 00:49:00,771 --> 00:49:02,171 but I'm barely making enough money 965 00:49:02,173 --> 00:49:03,943 to stay in business as it is. 966 00:49:03,941 --> 00:49:05,411 - Duh, not surprised. 967 00:49:05,410 --> 00:49:07,150 I mean, who wants to pay 968 00:49:07,145 --> 00:49:09,075 to see some quack making duck calls? 969 00:49:09,080 --> 00:49:12,950 And besides that, Bob, you got an extra E in matinee. 970 00:49:12,950 --> 00:49:13,820 - No, I don't. 971 00:49:13,818 --> 00:49:14,848 That's how you spell it. 972 00:49:14,852 --> 00:49:17,292 - Uh, Bob, I'm in show business. 973 00:49:17,288 --> 00:49:19,188 I think I know how to spell matinee. 974 00:49:20,891 --> 00:49:24,401 - Well, I think it's an awfully good idea. 975 00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:32,570 (Chastity gasps) 976 00:49:34,505 --> 00:49:37,235 (Elvira screams) 977 00:49:42,347 --> 00:49:45,317 - Oh, Bob, how can I ever repay you. 978 00:49:45,316 --> 00:49:47,016 Here, let me try. 979 00:49:49,087 --> 00:49:51,017 - That witch! 980 00:49:51,022 --> 00:49:53,592 (tires squeal) 981 00:49:56,861 --> 00:49:59,601 (ominous music) 982 00:50:00,765 --> 00:50:02,625 - I guess I'd better get back to work. 983 00:50:02,633 --> 00:50:04,103 Matinee's gonna start soon. 984 00:50:04,102 --> 00:50:07,312 - Oh, yeah, I can see the crowds lining up now. 985 00:50:07,305 --> 00:50:09,665 Bobby, baby, you are gonna go broke 986 00:50:09,674 --> 00:50:11,484 showing turkeys like these. 987 00:50:12,943 --> 00:50:14,153 - You got a better idea? 988 00:50:15,580 --> 00:50:18,950 - It just so happens that I have some of the classic films 989 00:50:18,949 --> 00:50:21,589 of all time in the trunk of my car. 990 00:50:22,920 --> 00:50:25,160 As a matter of fact... 991 00:50:26,091 --> 00:50:29,231 (thoughtful music) 992 00:50:29,227 --> 00:50:31,897 (ominous music) 993 00:50:44,409 --> 00:50:47,209 (elevator creaks) 994 00:50:52,517 --> 00:50:54,847 - Hmm, I don't trust that guy. 995 00:50:54,852 --> 00:50:57,362 Who has an elevator without a door? 996 00:50:57,355 --> 00:50:59,985 I mean, that's just an accident waiting to happen. 997 00:50:59,990 --> 00:51:01,390 But having said that, 998 00:51:01,392 --> 00:51:03,862 isn't this movie the bomb? 999 00:51:03,861 --> 00:51:07,601 Or sick, dope, 1000 00:51:07,598 --> 00:51:10,898 whatever the hell they're saying on TikTok these days? 1001 00:51:10,901 --> 00:51:12,801 I haven't had so much fun 1002 00:51:12,803 --> 00:51:15,443 since the last time I crashed a funeral. 1003 00:51:15,440 --> 00:51:17,480 Always a lot of laughs. 1004 00:51:17,475 --> 00:51:20,275 Okay, kids, guess what time it is? 1005 00:51:23,981 --> 00:51:27,021 That's right, it's Sack Time, 1006 00:51:27,017 --> 00:51:29,017 Sack Time with Elvira, 1007 00:51:29,019 --> 00:51:32,289 and I've got my rusty old mail sack right here, 1008 00:51:32,290 --> 00:51:36,230 because I still receive so many letters about this movie. 1009 00:51:36,227 --> 00:51:38,797 Why, there must be about a million of them in here? 1010 00:51:40,531 --> 00:51:42,131 Well, three. 1011 00:51:43,033 --> 00:51:44,273 (cat yowls) 1012 00:51:44,269 --> 00:51:46,869 Okay, let's see, what have we got here? 1013 00:51:46,871 --> 00:51:48,041 First letter. 1014 00:51:49,174 --> 00:51:51,744 Ooh, nice. 1015 00:51:51,742 --> 00:51:55,782 Dear Elvira, did your movie ever get any bad reviews? 1016 00:51:55,780 --> 00:51:57,920 Signed, Curious. 1017 00:51:57,915 --> 00:51:59,845 Well, Curious, good question, 1018 00:51:59,850 --> 00:52:02,090 but no, of course not. 1019 00:52:02,086 --> 00:52:05,456 I mean, my movie is universally adored, just like me. 1020 00:52:05,456 --> 00:52:08,326 Well, there may have been a handful of comments 1021 00:52:08,326 --> 00:52:10,896 that were not bad, per se. 1022 00:52:10,895 --> 00:52:14,125 More like misguided or mean-spirited 1023 00:52:14,131 --> 00:52:16,201 or just plain stupid. 1024 00:52:17,168 --> 00:52:18,638 Okay, let's see, 1025 00:52:18,636 --> 00:52:20,236 what, oh, here we've got this one. 1026 00:52:20,238 --> 00:52:21,608 Yeah, let's see. 1027 00:52:21,606 --> 00:52:24,106 Alrighty, who's this from? 1028 00:52:24,108 --> 00:52:28,848 Okay, dear Elvira, your movie sucked. 1029 00:52:28,846 --> 00:52:31,876 There was no character development. 1030 00:52:31,882 --> 00:52:34,892 Sincerely, Leonard Maltin. 1031 00:52:35,853 --> 00:52:36,793 Yo, Malt Balls, 1032 00:52:36,787 --> 00:52:38,617 better have your eyes examined, 1033 00:52:38,623 --> 00:52:41,763 because I am one developed character. 1034 00:52:42,893 --> 00:52:45,703 All right, and the final letter. 1035 00:52:45,696 --> 00:52:49,226 (laughs) Oh, golly, this is fun. 1036 00:52:50,935 --> 00:52:54,465 Dear Elvira, your movie was good. 1037 00:52:54,472 --> 00:52:56,812 See, some people have taste. 1038 00:52:56,807 --> 00:53:01,707 Okay, all the kids in my first grade class 1039 00:53:02,447 --> 00:53:03,477 think you are funny. 1040 00:53:04,515 --> 00:53:05,975 This is so cute. 1041 00:53:05,983 --> 00:53:08,523 XOX, Tommy. 1042 00:53:08,519 --> 00:53:12,619 P.S., I saw your underpants. 1043 00:53:12,623 --> 00:53:14,163 Gosh darn it, 1044 00:53:14,158 --> 00:53:18,528 those darn kids just say the darndest things, don't they? 1045 00:53:18,529 --> 00:53:20,699 Well, back to the action, darling, 1046 00:53:20,698 --> 00:53:23,228 as "Mistress of the Dark" continues. 1047 00:53:26,036 --> 00:53:28,706 (ominous music) 1048 00:53:41,652 --> 00:53:46,092 (Vincent speaks in foreign language) 1049 00:53:49,059 --> 00:53:51,459 - He who holds the Book of Sight 1050 00:53:51,462 --> 00:53:54,732 when the moon is drained of all its light 1051 00:53:54,732 --> 00:53:57,172 will then be ruler of the night, 1052 00:53:57,167 --> 00:53:58,967 master of the dark. 1053 00:54:01,439 --> 00:54:04,379 The lunar eclipse, Morgana, 1054 00:54:04,375 --> 00:54:07,275 it's less than a week away, 1055 00:54:07,278 --> 00:54:11,118 when the moon is drained of all its light. 1056 00:54:12,283 --> 00:54:17,223 (table rumbles) (Morgana screams) 1057 00:54:17,221 --> 00:54:18,661 There's nothing you can do. 1058 00:54:20,358 --> 00:54:22,958 You're dead, and I'm not. 1059 00:54:24,061 --> 00:54:27,401 (Vincent laughs evilly) 1060 00:54:34,605 --> 00:54:37,265 (teens chatter) 1061 00:54:39,644 --> 00:54:41,384 - Oh, there you are. 1062 00:54:41,379 --> 00:54:43,479 I have been looking all over for you guys. 1063 00:54:43,481 --> 00:54:45,721 You are not gonna believe the good news. 1064 00:54:45,716 --> 00:54:49,346 Yours truly is hosting a special midnight screening 1065 00:54:49,354 --> 00:54:53,294 at Bob's theater of one of the worst movies ever made. 1066 00:54:53,290 --> 00:54:54,730 I mean, it is bad. 1067 00:54:55,626 --> 00:54:58,556 You know, like bad as in bad, 1068 00:54:58,563 --> 00:55:01,703 like I'm bad, jammon, you know it. 1069 00:55:02,567 --> 00:55:04,267 Hey, what is this? 1070 00:55:04,268 --> 00:55:06,368 "The Invasion of the Body Snatchers"? 1071 00:55:06,371 --> 00:55:08,271 Two days ago, we were bosom buddies. 1072 00:55:08,272 --> 00:55:10,042 - [Robin] It's the principal. 1073 00:55:10,040 --> 00:55:11,410 - You're darn right, it's the principle. 1074 00:55:11,409 --> 00:55:12,779 Friends oughta stick together. 1075 00:55:12,777 --> 00:55:15,147 - No, I mean the principal, Mr. Cobb. 1076 00:55:15,145 --> 00:55:17,615 - He'd kill us if we went to your show, 1077 00:55:17,615 --> 00:55:19,545 not to mention our parents. 1078 00:55:19,550 --> 00:55:21,550 - Kill your parents, too? 1079 00:55:21,552 --> 00:55:24,362 - No, our parents would never let us stay out that late. 1080 00:55:25,289 --> 00:55:28,159 - Oh, I see. 1081 00:55:28,158 --> 00:55:30,798 Well, last thing I want to do 1082 00:55:30,795 --> 00:55:32,755 is get you guys in any trouble. 1083 00:55:33,631 --> 00:55:35,471 I mean, so what if it blows 1084 00:55:35,466 --> 00:55:37,496 my only chance at making a living. 1085 00:55:38,569 --> 00:55:40,709 I mean, that's not your problem. 1086 00:55:40,705 --> 00:55:43,105 And if I get so depressed, 1087 00:55:43,107 --> 00:55:46,637 I wind up hanging myself in the oven, 1088 00:55:47,612 --> 00:55:49,612 hey, those are the breaks. 1089 00:55:52,917 --> 00:55:54,817 And if they ever ask about me, 1090 00:55:54,819 --> 00:55:57,419 tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs. 1091 00:55:58,923 --> 00:56:00,763 I was also an incredible pair of legs. 1092 00:56:02,292 --> 00:56:05,162 And tell 'em, tell 'em that I never turned down a friend, 1093 00:56:07,331 --> 00:56:10,571 well, I never turned down a stranger, for that matter. 1094 00:56:10,568 --> 00:56:13,598 And tell 'em, tell 'em that when all is said and done, 1095 00:56:13,604 --> 00:56:17,584 I only asked that people remember me by two simple words, 1096 00:56:20,978 --> 00:56:23,378 any two, as long as they're simple. 1097 00:56:25,483 --> 00:56:27,993 (Elvira sobs) 1098 00:56:31,088 --> 00:56:34,388 - If we all decide to help Elvira, what can Cobb do? 1099 00:56:34,391 --> 00:56:35,761 - He can expel us all. 1100 00:56:37,161 --> 00:56:40,931 - I don't know about the rest of you, but I'll be there. 1101 00:56:40,931 --> 00:56:43,531 (solemn music) 1102 00:56:44,735 --> 00:56:45,565 - Me, too. 1103 00:56:46,571 --> 00:56:48,411 - You can count on me. 1104 00:56:49,707 --> 00:56:51,177 - We're sorry, Elvira. 1105 00:56:51,175 --> 00:56:53,075 We'll all come to your show. 1106 00:56:55,312 --> 00:56:59,282 - Great, 12 o'clock sharp, be there or be square. 1107 00:57:01,952 --> 00:57:04,052 - At 10:30, my old man's out. 1108 00:57:04,054 --> 00:57:05,424 - Mine's out, too. 1109 00:57:05,422 --> 00:57:08,092 (teens whisper) 1110 00:57:15,566 --> 00:57:18,166 (sneaky music) 1111 00:57:22,673 --> 00:57:25,443 (water splashes) 1112 00:57:59,777 --> 00:58:02,207 (fabric rips) 1113 00:58:26,103 --> 00:58:27,843 - Oh, that looks great. 1114 00:58:27,838 --> 00:58:28,838 - You really like it? 1115 00:58:28,839 --> 00:58:30,069 - Yeah! 1116 00:58:30,074 --> 00:58:30,884 - Elvira, where do you want this? 1117 00:58:30,875 --> 00:58:32,105 - Just right up there. 1118 00:58:32,109 --> 00:58:32,939 - Okay. 1119 00:58:32,943 --> 00:58:34,183 - What's the bucket for? 1120 00:58:34,178 --> 00:58:35,678 - Didn't I tell you? 1121 00:58:35,680 --> 00:58:37,180 Oh, it's so cool. 1122 00:58:37,181 --> 00:58:38,451 This is the part that I ripped off, 1123 00:58:38,448 --> 00:58:41,418 I mean, it was inspired by "Flash Dance". 1124 00:58:41,418 --> 00:58:44,288 I reach up, I pull this rope, 1125 00:58:44,288 --> 00:58:49,128 and my entire body is covered in gold glitter. 1126 00:58:49,126 --> 00:58:50,486 Couldn't you die? 1127 00:58:50,494 --> 00:58:51,964 - All right. 1128 00:58:51,962 --> 00:58:54,432 - I'm telling you, that's guaranteed standing ovulation. 1129 00:59:01,005 --> 00:59:03,405 (bells ding) 1130 00:59:05,475 --> 00:59:08,145 (ominous music) 1131 00:59:12,382 --> 00:59:15,722 (adventurous music) 1132 00:59:15,720 --> 00:59:18,220 (teens cheer) 1133 00:59:23,594 --> 00:59:24,434 - You're late. 1134 00:59:25,529 --> 00:59:26,899 - Where the guy gets pureed. 1135 00:59:29,166 --> 00:59:30,566 Don't worry, they're Italians. 1136 00:59:30,567 --> 00:59:33,267 They'll wind up making a great marinara sauce. 1137 00:59:33,270 --> 00:59:35,770 (teens laugh) 1138 00:59:39,409 --> 00:59:40,239 - Robin? 1139 00:59:43,380 --> 00:59:44,380 Is that you? 1140 00:59:46,283 --> 00:59:47,123 Man. 1141 00:59:48,552 --> 00:59:51,022 - This is where the heroine gets grabbed by the tomatoes. 1142 00:59:51,021 --> 00:59:56,031 I can't look! 1143 01:00:07,604 --> 01:00:11,044 (woman screams) 1144 01:00:11,041 --> 01:00:13,541 (teens laugh) 1145 01:00:19,516 --> 01:00:20,686 (Patty laughs) 1146 01:00:20,685 --> 01:00:22,485 - Boy, this ending's so bad, 1147 01:00:22,486 --> 01:00:23,416 the tomatoes oughta start throwing 1148 01:00:23,420 --> 01:00:25,020 rotten people at the screen. 1149 01:00:28,125 --> 01:00:30,625 (teens cheer) 1150 01:00:36,734 --> 01:00:38,174 Okay, darlings, don't move, 1151 01:00:38,168 --> 01:00:39,968 because the best is yet to come. 1152 01:00:39,970 --> 01:00:44,370 Ladies and Dobermans, it's time for the grand finale. 1153 01:00:46,343 --> 01:00:48,883 (upbeat music) 1154 01:00:58,022 --> 01:01:00,792 * Just a steel town girl on a Saturday night * 1155 01:01:00,791 --> 01:01:03,661 * Looking for the fight of her life * 1156 01:01:03,660 --> 01:01:06,800 * In the real-time world, no one sees her at all * 1157 01:01:06,797 --> 01:01:09,897 * They all say she's crazy 1158 01:01:09,900 --> 01:01:12,740 * Locking rhythms to the beat of her heart * 1159 01:01:12,737 --> 01:01:15,707 * Changing movement into light 1160 01:01:15,706 --> 01:01:18,736 * She has danced into a danger zone * 1161 01:01:18,743 --> 01:01:23,183 * When the dancer becomes the dance * 1162 01:01:23,180 --> 01:01:25,920 * It can cut you like a knife 1163 01:01:25,916 --> 01:01:29,286 * If the gift becomes the fire 1164 01:01:29,286 --> 01:01:34,186 * On the wire between will and what will be * 1165 01:01:34,191 --> 01:01:38,701 * She's a maniac, maniac on the floor * 1166 01:01:40,197 --> 01:01:45,197 * And she's dancing (Elvira gasps) 1167 01:01:51,776 --> 01:01:53,506 (Patty laughs) 1168 01:01:53,510 --> 01:01:55,010 Patty! 1169 01:01:55,012 --> 01:01:58,182 (teens groan) 1170 01:01:58,182 --> 01:02:01,092 (suspenseful music) 1171 01:02:02,920 --> 01:02:05,620 Oh, I have never been so humiliated in my entire life. 1172 01:02:06,857 --> 01:02:10,557 Just wait till I get my hands on that Patty. 1173 01:02:10,560 --> 01:02:13,730 I'm going to rip every single bleached blonde hair 1174 01:02:13,730 --> 01:02:16,100 out of her scalp, gouge out her eyeballs, 1175 01:02:16,100 --> 01:02:18,740 and use her head for a bowling ball. 1176 01:02:18,735 --> 01:02:21,905 I'm telling you, they are not gonna get away with it. 1177 01:02:21,906 --> 01:02:24,736 That barf bag Chastity blacklisted me out of a job, 1178 01:02:24,741 --> 01:02:27,441 and that sleazoid of a high school principal 1179 01:02:27,444 --> 01:02:29,514 turning all the kids against me. 1180 01:02:29,513 --> 01:02:32,453 And that bench-sniffing real estate letch 1181 01:02:32,449 --> 01:02:35,349 trying to get his commission in the sack. 1182 01:02:35,352 --> 01:02:37,092 I'll get even with every one of them 1183 01:02:37,087 --> 01:02:38,487 if it's the last thing I do. 1184 01:02:39,756 --> 01:02:42,486 (ominous music) 1185 01:02:45,796 --> 01:02:48,166 - What's that perfume you're wearing? 1186 01:02:48,165 --> 01:02:49,425 - Super unleaded. 1187 01:02:49,433 --> 01:02:50,473 Don't smoke. 1188 01:02:57,374 --> 01:02:59,444 Well, here's to my big opening. 1189 01:03:00,610 --> 01:03:03,980 (Robin giggles) I mean, forget it. 1190 01:03:11,588 --> 01:03:13,788 Don't you kids think it's past your bedtime? 1191 01:03:13,790 --> 01:03:14,620 - Oh, heck no. 1192 01:03:14,624 --> 01:03:16,094 I'm not tired, ouch. 1193 01:03:16,093 --> 01:03:17,533 - It is getting awfully late. 1194 01:03:19,396 --> 01:03:22,066 - Yeah, we'd better be going. 1195 01:03:22,066 --> 01:03:23,966 - Yep, well, see you dudes tomorrow. 1196 01:03:25,702 --> 01:03:29,472 ("The Star Spangled Banner") 1197 01:03:38,983 --> 01:03:41,653 (curious music) 1198 01:03:49,994 --> 01:03:53,234 (Bob breathes heavily) 1199 01:03:59,937 --> 01:04:00,697 Ow! 1200 01:04:04,474 --> 01:04:05,944 There's the darn recipe book. 1201 01:04:06,810 --> 01:04:07,840 How'd it get under there? 1202 01:04:12,549 --> 01:04:14,919 - (gasps) That reminds me, I'm starving. 1203 01:04:16,353 --> 01:04:17,193 - Me, too. 1204 01:04:18,722 --> 01:04:20,562 - Uh, let's go get something to eat. 1205 01:04:20,557 --> 01:04:22,627 There's an all night truck stop out on the interstate. 1206 01:04:22,626 --> 01:04:24,856 - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Bob. 1207 01:04:24,861 --> 01:04:27,231 I've got a better idea. 1208 01:04:27,231 --> 01:04:29,401 Why don't you set the table 1209 01:04:29,399 --> 01:04:32,839 while I see what I can whip up in the kitchen. 1210 01:04:39,276 --> 01:04:41,346 My aunt sure had lousy penmanship. 1211 01:04:42,446 --> 01:04:44,046 I can't read a word of this stuff. 1212 01:04:45,282 --> 01:04:46,522 It looks like it was written 1213 01:04:46,516 --> 01:04:47,916 in some kind of foreign language or something. 1214 01:04:50,620 --> 01:04:52,520 Hey, wait, look at this. 1215 01:04:52,522 --> 01:04:54,122 Adraka Kozerol. 1216 01:04:54,124 --> 01:04:57,764 Kozerol, oh, casserole. 1217 01:04:57,761 --> 01:04:59,631 Hmm, that sounds good. 1218 01:04:59,629 --> 01:05:01,529 Okay, let's see, what does it say here? 1219 01:05:01,531 --> 01:05:04,101 One edrazeba. 1220 01:05:05,102 --> 01:05:06,602 Hmm? 1221 01:05:06,603 --> 01:05:08,343 Wonder where's she keeps the edrazeba around here. 1222 01:05:11,775 --> 01:05:14,435 (curious music) 1223 01:05:15,512 --> 01:05:17,952 Wow, this is some spice rack. 1224 01:05:19,950 --> 01:05:21,590 Tramazol. 1225 01:05:21,585 --> 01:05:22,645 Folemgra. 1226 01:05:22,652 --> 01:05:23,492 Kuderox. 1227 01:05:24,921 --> 01:05:26,321 Oh, here it is, edrezeba. 1228 01:05:33,363 --> 01:05:38,373 One edrezeba. 1229 01:05:40,570 --> 01:05:42,570 Okay, one half folemgra. 1230 01:05:46,043 --> 01:05:48,983 Whoa, looks like folemgra went bad. 1231 01:05:50,380 --> 01:05:52,620 I don't know, it says it's good until June of next year. 1232 01:05:52,616 --> 01:05:55,116 What the heck, I got a cast-iron stomach. 1233 01:05:56,820 --> 01:05:58,320 Okay, then, let's see. 1234 01:05:58,322 --> 01:06:00,592 Two to three guletra, guletra. 1235 01:06:03,627 --> 01:06:05,897 Uh, let's see, one kuderox. 1236 01:06:07,697 --> 01:06:09,967 Kuderox, where could it be? 1237 01:06:11,868 --> 01:06:14,698 (mixture bubbles) 1238 01:06:16,773 --> 01:06:18,813 Mm, doesn't smell too bad, 1239 01:06:18,808 --> 01:06:20,778 but it looks like caca-doodoo. 1240 01:06:30,954 --> 01:06:33,464 (Elvira hums) 1241 01:06:40,030 --> 01:06:42,600 (chips crunch) 1242 01:06:48,505 --> 01:06:50,035 There, that's much better. 1243 01:06:58,248 --> 01:06:59,078 It's soup! 1244 01:07:03,387 --> 01:07:05,017 - Mm, smells great. 1245 01:07:05,021 --> 01:07:06,221 What is it? 1246 01:07:06,223 --> 01:07:08,363 - Oh, just a little something I conjured up. 1247 01:07:09,659 --> 01:07:10,489 - Oh. 1248 01:07:12,929 --> 01:07:13,759 Allow me. 1249 01:07:15,165 --> 01:07:16,425 - Thank you ever so. 1250 01:07:19,603 --> 01:07:22,573 Well, I hope you're hungry, 1251 01:07:22,572 --> 01:07:24,872 'cause here's dinner! 1252 01:07:24,874 --> 01:07:26,744 (creature snarls) 1253 01:07:26,743 --> 01:07:30,483 (Elvira and Bob scream) 1254 01:07:30,480 --> 01:07:33,150 (ominous music) 1255 01:07:59,343 --> 01:08:02,113 (creature snarls) 1256 01:08:05,882 --> 01:08:08,292 The switch, Bob, the switch! 1257 01:08:08,285 --> 01:08:11,015 (disposal whirs) 1258 01:08:24,100 --> 01:08:26,870 First time I was ever an appetizer for the main course. 1259 01:08:26,870 --> 01:08:28,000 - Where'd you learn how to cook? 1260 01:08:28,004 --> 01:08:29,544 - I didn't. 1261 01:08:29,539 --> 01:08:31,239 I just followed the directions in my aunt's, 1262 01:08:31,241 --> 01:08:33,181 Gonk, what are you doing? 1263 01:08:33,177 --> 01:08:34,277 Give me that cookbook! 1264 01:08:38,748 --> 01:08:39,648 Gonk, Gonk? 1265 01:08:41,718 --> 01:08:42,888 Gonk, you get back here right now 1266 01:08:42,886 --> 01:08:44,886 or you are grounded for one week. 1267 01:08:46,290 --> 01:08:47,120 Gonk! 1268 01:08:48,425 --> 01:08:49,385 - [Bob] Gonk, come here. 1269 01:08:50,694 --> 01:08:55,504 - (gasps) Deja vu. 1270 01:09:00,437 --> 01:09:03,067 (ominous music) 1271 01:09:05,475 --> 01:09:06,305 - Wow. 1272 01:09:07,143 --> 01:09:07,983 - Gonk? 1273 01:09:09,045 --> 01:09:10,875 Gonk, are you in here? 1274 01:09:15,852 --> 01:09:17,092 (Gonk barks) 1275 01:09:17,086 --> 01:09:19,686 Gonk, you are a very bad, bad dog. 1276 01:09:22,992 --> 01:09:25,062 Oh, yuck, you slobbered all over it. 1277 01:09:26,129 --> 01:09:27,759 (Gonk barks) 1278 01:09:27,764 --> 01:09:29,204 Now what do you want? 1279 01:09:30,967 --> 01:09:33,737 (Gonk scratches) 1280 01:09:35,339 --> 01:09:37,839 - I think he wants you to open the trunk. 1281 01:09:37,841 --> 01:09:40,241 - Why didn't you just say so? 1282 01:09:47,684 --> 01:09:49,494 Wow, look at all this cool junk. 1283 01:09:51,488 --> 01:09:53,318 This could be you, Gonk. 1284 01:09:53,323 --> 01:09:55,593 (Gonk growls) 1285 01:09:55,592 --> 01:09:59,102 Eww, think I used to go out with this guy. 1286 01:10:05,302 --> 01:10:07,142 - Take a look at this. 1287 01:10:09,005 --> 01:10:10,005 - Think it's for me? 1288 01:10:11,007 --> 01:10:12,007 - Go ahead, open it. 1289 01:10:13,443 --> 01:10:14,413 - You open it. 1290 01:10:20,216 --> 01:10:21,986 - Dearest, Elvira, 1291 01:10:21,985 --> 01:10:24,715 for all these years, I protected you from the truth, 1292 01:10:24,721 --> 01:10:26,721 but the time has now come 1293 01:10:26,723 --> 01:10:29,293 when your only protection is the truth. 1294 01:10:30,427 --> 01:10:31,257 - Say what? 1295 01:10:32,262 --> 01:10:33,102 Let me see this. 1296 01:10:34,664 --> 01:10:39,504 Your mother, Devana, was an extraordinary woman. 1297 01:10:39,503 --> 01:10:42,073 She was the true mistress of the dark, 1298 01:10:42,071 --> 01:10:44,911 but her power did not go unchallenged. 1299 01:10:44,908 --> 01:10:49,108 - [Morgana] For 300 years, your great uncle, Vincent, 1300 01:10:49,112 --> 01:10:50,112 coveted her dominion. 1301 01:10:52,416 --> 01:10:53,716 - 300? 1302 01:10:53,717 --> 01:10:55,887 God, I hope I look that good when I'm that old. 1303 01:10:57,354 --> 01:10:58,924 - [Morgana] He would have destroyed you as he did her, 1304 01:10:58,922 --> 01:11:00,992 had I not sent you away. 1305 01:11:00,990 --> 01:11:02,290 I left you with all the power 1306 01:11:02,292 --> 01:11:04,062 you would need to protect yourself 1307 01:11:04,060 --> 01:11:06,130 and entrusted you to my loyal familiar. 1308 01:11:06,129 --> 01:11:08,029 - What's that about a familiar? 1309 01:11:08,031 --> 01:11:10,631 - Ah, haven't you ever seen any old Roger Corman movies? 1310 01:11:10,634 --> 01:11:11,674 Every witch has one. 1311 01:11:11,668 --> 01:11:13,138 They're like a, 1312 01:11:13,136 --> 01:11:14,936 like a pet that can change into almost anything. 1313 01:11:14,938 --> 01:11:16,408 Where was I? 1314 01:11:16,406 --> 01:11:20,636 Oh, yeah, but it wasn't you alone that I sought to protect, 1315 01:11:20,644 --> 01:11:24,214 it was the book that contained your mother's magic. 1316 01:11:25,849 --> 01:11:28,179 - [Morgana] Our enemy is a formidable one. 1317 01:11:28,184 --> 01:11:30,054 Protect the book, Elvira, 1318 01:11:30,053 --> 01:11:32,923 and above all, keep it from Vincent. 1319 01:11:32,922 --> 01:11:36,432 When the moon falls under the earth's shadow, 1320 01:11:36,426 --> 01:11:40,026 remember, you carry the power with you. 1321 01:11:41,631 --> 01:11:43,431 Your loving aunt, Morgana. 1322 01:11:44,768 --> 01:11:45,668 - Too macabre. 1323 01:11:46,870 --> 01:11:48,240 I mean, like, I knew I was different, 1324 01:11:48,237 --> 01:11:51,037 but I didn't think I was quite that different. 1325 01:11:51,040 --> 01:11:52,910 No wonder Vinny had such a spaz attack 1326 01:11:52,909 --> 01:11:54,979 when I couldn't find the book. 1327 01:11:54,978 --> 01:11:56,478 - Yeah, and you heard what your aunt said, 1328 01:11:56,480 --> 01:11:58,250 he can't get his hands on it. 1329 01:11:58,247 --> 01:11:59,617 - No way he's getting it now. 1330 01:11:59,616 --> 01:12:01,116 And here I am, 1331 01:12:01,117 --> 01:12:03,617 knocking myself out to make a living as a horror hostess, 1332 01:12:03,620 --> 01:12:05,290 when I'm actually descended from, like, 1333 01:12:05,288 --> 01:12:08,188 a major metaphysical celebrity. 1334 01:12:08,191 --> 01:12:09,991 (pages rustle) 1335 01:12:09,993 --> 01:12:12,403 All I have to do is just find the right spell 1336 01:12:12,396 --> 01:12:15,126 and I can make the money I need for Vegas. 1337 01:12:15,131 --> 01:12:17,431 I mean really make the money. 1338 01:12:18,902 --> 01:12:21,102 - I don't think you should go fooling with that book again. 1339 01:12:21,104 --> 01:12:22,044 - Wait, wait, look, Bob. 1340 01:12:22,038 --> 01:12:23,268 Here it is, 1341 01:12:23,272 --> 01:12:25,142 Selzba Riki Moola. 1342 01:12:25,141 --> 01:12:27,511 That's exactly what I need, lots of moolah. 1343 01:12:28,712 --> 01:12:32,852 Okay, okay Selzba Riki Moola Sheen. 1344 01:12:32,849 --> 01:12:37,849 - Elvira, I don't think- - Pasera floctum kezrah flome. 1345 01:12:38,455 --> 01:12:40,085 (house rattles) 1346 01:12:40,089 --> 01:12:41,429 It's working, Bob! 1347 01:12:41,425 --> 01:12:42,485 It's working! 1348 01:12:46,763 --> 01:12:48,533 Bob, are you still here? 1349 01:12:48,532 --> 01:12:49,472 - [Bob] Right here. 1350 01:12:56,640 --> 01:12:57,810 - What is this? 1351 01:13:00,744 --> 01:13:02,714 Oh, why, Bob. 1352 01:13:05,081 --> 01:13:07,581 You know, Bob, I may be wrong, 1353 01:13:07,584 --> 01:13:10,794 but I think that might've been a love spell. 1354 01:13:10,787 --> 01:13:11,617 - [Bob] Really? 1355 01:13:13,189 --> 01:13:18,029 - Oh, Bob, Bob. (moans) 1356 01:13:20,196 --> 01:13:25,196 (Elvira screams) (suspenseful music) 1357 01:13:29,473 --> 01:13:31,313 Hold me, Bob, hold me. 1358 01:13:39,649 --> 01:13:42,989 (lazy brass band music) 1359 01:13:54,664 --> 01:13:55,574 - Stand up. 1360 01:13:58,468 --> 01:14:00,438 - Chastity, the picnic's a great success. 1361 01:14:00,436 --> 01:14:04,306 - Yes, I think it's something we can all be proud of me for. 1362 01:14:09,045 --> 01:14:11,775 (crowd applauds) 1363 01:14:13,583 --> 01:14:14,923 Come and get it! 1364 01:14:16,285 --> 01:14:19,685 Now, you children, you're acting wild animals. 1365 01:14:19,689 --> 01:14:21,059 Get to the end of the line. 1366 01:14:23,560 --> 01:14:25,630 It all looks so good. 1367 01:14:25,629 --> 01:14:27,829 I can't remember when I've been this hungry. 1368 01:14:29,398 --> 01:14:32,968 Ooh, Melody, I see you've made your famous Tic Tac pie. 1369 01:14:40,109 --> 01:14:42,179 - (squeals) Bob, what are you doing? 1370 01:14:42,178 --> 01:14:43,578 You scared the hell out of me. 1371 01:14:43,580 --> 01:14:44,480 - What's going on? 1372 01:14:45,682 --> 01:14:48,792 - Let's just say I'm settling the score. 1373 01:14:48,785 --> 01:14:50,385 - [Bob] Oh, no. 1374 01:14:50,386 --> 01:14:52,416 - Well, it is a potluck, 1375 01:14:52,421 --> 01:14:53,921 and believe me, when they open that pot, 1376 01:14:53,923 --> 01:14:56,233 they're going to need all the luck they can get. 1377 01:14:58,795 --> 01:15:00,795 - Oh, I don't believe I've had any of this. 1378 01:15:00,797 --> 01:15:02,767 - Revenge is better than Christmas. 1379 01:15:03,900 --> 01:15:06,670 (dramatic music) 1380 01:15:09,773 --> 01:15:11,273 I don't get it, what happened. 1381 01:15:12,609 --> 01:15:14,679 - Looks like some sort of casserole? 1382 01:15:18,147 --> 01:15:22,117 Mm, this is marvelous. 1383 01:15:22,118 --> 01:15:23,588 I must get this recipe. 1384 01:15:30,627 --> 01:15:32,597 - Oh shoot, must have screwed it up 1385 01:15:32,596 --> 01:15:34,056 when I substituted that folemgra 1386 01:15:34,063 --> 01:15:35,503 with some Hamburger Helper. 1387 01:15:36,866 --> 01:15:39,496 - Oh, yes, thank you for my drink. 1388 01:15:39,502 --> 01:15:42,442 There. (sighs) 1389 01:15:42,438 --> 01:15:45,208 (peaceful music) 1390 01:16:05,161 --> 01:16:07,261 (Chastity giggles) 1391 01:16:07,263 --> 01:16:08,933 I feel a little odd. 1392 01:16:12,035 --> 01:16:14,465 Suddenly, it's very warm. 1393 01:16:14,470 --> 01:16:17,310 (seductive music) 1394 01:16:18,742 --> 01:16:23,582 * I put a spell on you 1395 01:16:25,982 --> 01:16:28,082 - Remind you of anything? 1396 01:16:30,286 --> 01:16:32,386 - Remind you of anything? 1397 01:16:35,191 --> 01:16:38,391 * Oh, I know you, I know 1398 01:16:38,394 --> 01:16:40,604 - Give me that, that's mine. 1399 01:16:40,596 --> 01:16:41,426 All mine. 1400 01:16:44,968 --> 01:16:46,698 (spoon scrapes) 1401 01:16:46,703 --> 01:16:49,373 * I'm yours now 1402 01:16:51,741 --> 01:16:53,381 * I put a spell on you - Oh, boy. 1403 01:16:54,243 --> 01:16:55,083 Am I a horn dog? 1404 01:16:57,413 --> 01:17:02,353 * Because you're mine 1405 01:17:03,219 --> 01:17:05,119 - Excuse me, is this face taken. 1406 01:17:09,258 --> 01:17:10,858 (Elvira gasps) 1407 01:17:10,860 --> 01:17:13,860 (upbeat jazz music) 1408 01:17:22,605 --> 01:17:24,735 - Come on, stud, let's boogie. 1409 01:17:24,741 --> 01:17:25,571 - Bob! 1410 01:17:35,384 --> 01:17:37,654 - Hey, Lesley, let's mambo. 1411 01:17:48,297 --> 01:17:49,127 - Charge! 1412 01:17:53,369 --> 01:17:56,169 - That's an interesting dish. 1413 01:17:56,172 --> 01:17:57,972 Where did you learn how to make it? 1414 01:17:59,175 --> 01:18:00,875 - Oh, it's just an old family recipe. 1415 01:18:02,545 --> 01:18:07,245 - All right, I'll give you $500 for the book. 1416 01:18:07,250 --> 01:18:10,850 - What, do I look like I just fell off the tuna truck? 1417 01:18:10,854 --> 01:18:13,294 The deal's off, Uncle. 1418 01:18:13,289 --> 01:18:15,189 - You think you're pretty clever, don't you? 1419 01:18:15,191 --> 01:18:17,861 Well, mark my words. 1420 01:18:17,861 --> 01:18:20,461 I'll get you and your little dog, too. 1421 01:18:22,031 --> 01:18:22,871 - Ugh. 1422 01:18:26,970 --> 01:18:27,800 - Help. 1423 01:18:32,708 --> 01:18:34,038 - No! 1424 01:18:34,043 --> 01:18:35,953 Oh, you again. 1425 01:18:37,113 --> 01:18:38,983 Do you always wear the same dress? 1426 01:18:40,416 --> 01:18:42,916 - No, sometimes I like to wear something low-cut and sexy. 1427 01:18:45,254 --> 01:18:48,624 - Well, I guess in your business, it pays to advertise. 1428 01:18:48,624 --> 01:18:50,764 (Elvira squeals) 1429 01:18:50,760 --> 01:18:52,000 Come here, Bob. 1430 01:18:51,995 --> 01:18:54,055 Let me show you how a real woman does it. 1431 01:18:56,432 --> 01:18:57,272 - Excuse me. 1432 01:18:58,802 --> 01:19:01,242 (punch thuds) 1433 01:19:05,141 --> 01:19:08,081 (Bob laughs) 1434 01:19:08,077 --> 01:19:11,307 (striking guitar riff) 1435 01:19:12,315 --> 01:19:13,845 - You all saw him. 1436 01:19:13,850 --> 01:19:15,120 He attacked me in broad daylight 1437 01:19:15,118 --> 01:19:16,888 and he had his way with me. 1438 01:19:16,886 --> 01:19:17,816 - Me? 1439 01:19:17,821 --> 01:19:19,561 I barely got away with my life. 1440 01:19:19,555 --> 01:19:22,485 You could have worn out a mechanical bull. 1441 01:19:22,491 --> 01:19:24,791 - Ooh, you're not gonna get away with this, 1442 01:19:24,794 --> 01:19:26,634 you sex-addled maniac. 1443 01:19:26,629 --> 01:19:29,199 I demand that the council remove this pervert. 1444 01:19:29,198 --> 01:19:32,638 - I never laid a hand on those sheep, so help me. 1445 01:19:32,635 --> 01:19:34,035 - Calvin was the one 1446 01:19:34,037 --> 01:19:35,697 who was painting everybody with apple butter. 1447 01:19:35,704 --> 01:19:38,174 I was just an innocent on-licker. 1448 01:19:38,174 --> 01:19:40,914 (council argues) 1449 01:19:42,311 --> 01:19:43,151 - Silence! 1450 01:19:45,714 --> 01:19:46,924 - Don't you see? 1451 01:19:49,085 --> 01:19:51,715 You're all playing right into her hand. 1452 01:19:53,056 --> 01:19:56,926 It's Elvira who is responsible for all this. 1453 01:19:56,926 --> 01:19:58,126 - Of course. 1454 01:19:58,127 --> 01:19:59,897 I should've known it was that little harlot. 1455 01:19:59,896 --> 01:20:03,726 - We oughta ride her outta town on a big fat rail. 1456 01:20:03,732 --> 01:20:05,402 - She might enjoy that too much. 1457 01:20:06,535 --> 01:20:08,595 - There is a more satisfactory solution. 1458 01:20:10,506 --> 01:20:11,806 (ominous music) 1459 01:20:11,807 --> 01:20:14,077 We can have her arrested. 1460 01:20:14,077 --> 01:20:16,447 - Arrested, on what charges? 1461 01:20:16,445 --> 01:20:19,475 - It's so happens that there is a law on the books 1462 01:20:19,482 --> 01:20:21,582 that dates back to the Salem trials. 1463 01:20:22,718 --> 01:20:25,318 It's specifically forbids, and I quote, 1464 01:20:25,321 --> 01:20:27,461 any towns person from practicing 1465 01:20:27,456 --> 01:20:32,456 the ancient arts of spellcasting, demonology, 1466 01:20:33,329 --> 01:20:35,729 alchemy, and conjuration. 1467 01:20:37,733 --> 01:20:41,373 The charge, my fellow council members, 1468 01:20:41,370 --> 01:20:44,540 is witchcraft. 1469 01:20:48,377 --> 01:20:50,647 (can clangs) 1470 01:20:50,646 --> 01:20:52,076 - Let me outta here, let me outta here! 1471 01:20:52,081 --> 01:20:53,821 - Pipe down in there. 1472 01:20:53,816 --> 01:20:55,746 - Hey, I've seen "The People's Court". 1473 01:20:55,751 --> 01:20:58,221 I'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search. 1474 01:20:59,655 --> 01:21:01,185 - Well, there's the payphone right across the street. 1475 01:21:01,190 --> 01:21:02,390 What's the matter, 1476 01:21:02,391 --> 01:21:04,131 you forget where you put your broom? 1477 01:21:04,127 --> 01:21:06,527 - Listen, fatso, if I had a broom, 1478 01:21:06,529 --> 01:21:08,159 I know exactly where I'd put it. 1479 01:21:11,600 --> 01:21:13,300 Oh, this is swell. 1480 01:21:13,302 --> 01:21:14,902 I can just hear Manny now. 1481 01:21:14,904 --> 01:21:16,514 Hello Vegas, we got a slight crimp 1482 01:21:16,505 --> 01:21:18,235 in the plans for the show. 1483 01:21:18,241 --> 01:21:20,711 Yeah, the star was burned at the stake. 1484 01:21:20,709 --> 01:21:22,249 - Elvira! 1485 01:21:22,245 --> 01:21:24,645 Great news, I got you the best lawyer in the county. 1486 01:21:24,647 --> 01:21:26,577 He'll be here first thing in the morning. 1487 01:21:27,583 --> 01:21:28,523 - Bob, in the morning? 1488 01:21:28,517 --> 01:21:29,747 First thing in the morning, 1489 01:21:29,752 --> 01:21:31,192 I'll be able to fit in an ashtray. 1490 01:21:32,155 --> 01:21:33,855 You gotta get me outta here. 1491 01:21:33,856 --> 01:21:34,686 - But how? 1492 01:21:35,758 --> 01:21:37,828 - The book, it's my only chance. 1493 01:21:37,826 --> 01:21:39,156 Quick, run of the house and get it. 1494 01:21:39,162 --> 01:21:40,462 - Okay. 1495 01:21:40,463 --> 01:21:41,463 - Oh, and Bob, wait! 1496 01:21:42,865 --> 01:21:44,225 - What? 1497 01:21:44,233 --> 01:21:46,673 - I hid it under the floorboard in the living room. 1498 01:21:46,669 --> 01:21:47,439 - Okay. 1499 01:21:48,337 --> 01:21:49,467 - Oh, and Bob! 1500 01:21:50,906 --> 01:21:52,036 - What? 1501 01:21:52,041 --> 01:21:52,841 - Hurry! 1502 01:21:54,877 --> 01:21:57,847 (suspenseful music) 1503 01:22:00,249 --> 01:22:01,719 - Hey, move. 1504 01:22:01,717 --> 01:22:02,887 Duck down low. 1505 01:22:06,055 --> 01:22:09,225 (townspeople chatter) 1506 01:22:11,794 --> 01:22:14,934 (saw buzzes) 1507 01:22:14,930 --> 01:22:15,760 Now. 1508 01:22:17,633 --> 01:22:20,043 (saw buzzes) 1509 01:22:21,437 --> 01:22:22,767 What are you whining about? 1510 01:22:22,771 --> 01:22:24,271 I'm the one getting barbecued. 1511 01:22:25,608 --> 01:22:28,778 (Gonk barks) 1512 01:22:28,777 --> 01:22:31,447 (ominous music) 1513 01:22:34,183 --> 01:22:35,623 Oh, sorry. 1514 01:22:36,719 --> 01:22:39,219 (Gonk growls) 1515 01:22:41,690 --> 01:22:44,960 (Bob taps floorboards) 1516 01:22:48,697 --> 01:22:51,697 (suspenseful music) 1517 01:22:53,569 --> 01:22:55,539 - At last, it's mine. 1518 01:22:55,538 --> 01:22:56,868 The power is mine! 1519 01:23:03,679 --> 01:23:07,349 (upbeat rock music) 1520 01:23:07,350 --> 01:23:10,590 - Come on, don't have a conniption fit. 1521 01:23:20,029 --> 01:23:22,969 Whoa, must have took too much antacid in the sixties. 1522 01:23:25,201 --> 01:23:26,701 - [Townspeople] Two, four, six, eight, 1523 01:23:26,702 --> 01:23:28,872 who do we incinerate? 1524 01:23:28,871 --> 01:23:30,811 Elvira, Elvira, Elvira! 1525 01:23:34,677 --> 01:23:37,077 (saw buzzes) 1526 01:23:44,019 --> 01:23:45,719 - Thank goodness, padre. 1527 01:23:45,721 --> 01:23:47,821 - I am here to save you, my child. 1528 01:23:47,823 --> 01:23:49,393 - At last, someone that can talk some sense 1529 01:23:49,392 --> 01:23:50,592 into these people. 1530 01:23:52,828 --> 01:23:57,168 - Lord, save this wretched creature's soul, 1531 01:23:57,166 --> 01:24:02,106 even though her creamy, white flesh will burn and sizzle. 1532 01:24:03,972 --> 01:24:06,882 (ceiling clatters) 1533 01:24:12,248 --> 01:24:14,578 - Well, isn't that convenient? 1534 01:24:18,087 --> 01:24:19,917 - Thanks for trying, you guys. 1535 01:24:21,390 --> 01:24:22,230 - [Robin] Elvira! 1536 01:24:24,560 --> 01:24:27,560 (upbeat rock music) 1537 01:24:38,040 --> 01:24:38,870 - Gonk? 1538 01:24:40,309 --> 01:24:41,179 Is that you, boy? 1539 01:24:49,084 --> 01:24:50,354 (Gonk barks) 1540 01:24:50,353 --> 01:24:51,393 Good work, Gonk. 1541 01:24:52,255 --> 01:24:53,715 - [Townspeople] Burn the witch, 1542 01:24:53,722 --> 01:24:54,922 burn the witch, burn the witch, 1543 01:24:54,923 --> 01:24:56,833 burn the witch, burn the witch! 1544 01:24:56,825 --> 01:24:58,625 - Do you smoke? 1545 01:24:58,627 --> 01:25:00,357 - Guess we'll find out soon enough. 1546 01:25:01,530 --> 01:25:02,770 - [Townspeople] Burn the witch, burn the witch, 1547 01:25:02,765 --> 01:25:05,965 burn the witch, burn the witch, burn the witch, 1548 01:25:05,968 --> 01:25:09,508 burn the witch, burn the witch, burn the witch, 1549 01:25:09,505 --> 01:25:12,535 burn the witch, burn the witch, burn the witch, 1550 01:25:12,541 --> 01:25:17,111 burn the witch, burn the witch, burn the witch. 1551 01:25:17,112 --> 01:25:21,282 - [Chaplain] The flames that will soon engulf her! 1552 01:25:22,918 --> 01:25:24,648 - Oh, no, you're not gonna believe this. 1553 01:25:24,653 --> 01:25:25,723 I left my oven on. 1554 01:25:25,721 --> 01:25:26,821 I'll just be a minute. 1555 01:25:27,990 --> 01:25:30,430 - [Townspeople] Burn the witch, burn the witch, 1556 01:25:30,426 --> 01:25:33,596 burn the witch, burn the witch, burn the witch, 1557 01:25:33,596 --> 01:25:35,356 burn the witch, burn the witch, 1558 01:25:35,364 --> 01:25:37,974 burn the witch, burn the witch. 1559 01:25:40,336 --> 01:25:41,736 - Any last words? 1560 01:25:41,737 --> 01:25:42,707 - Just one, help! 1561 01:25:46,209 --> 01:25:47,779 - [Townspeople] Burn the witch, burn the witch, 1562 01:25:47,776 --> 01:25:50,346 burn the witch, burn the witch. 1563 01:25:51,914 --> 01:25:52,754 - Hold it. 1564 01:25:52,748 --> 01:25:54,148 Hold it down. 1565 01:25:54,149 --> 01:25:55,219 Quiet, quiet! 1566 01:25:58,887 --> 01:26:01,687 And now, by the power vested in me 1567 01:26:01,690 --> 01:26:04,290 by the sovereign state of Massachusetts, 1568 01:26:04,293 --> 01:26:08,633 I do hereby pronounce sentence on Elvira, the prisoner, 1569 01:26:08,631 --> 01:26:11,831 death by fire. 1570 01:26:11,834 --> 01:26:14,674 (suspenseful music) 1571 01:26:14,670 --> 01:26:15,640 - Hold it, Sheriff. 1572 01:26:16,972 --> 01:26:18,672 What you're doing is wrong. 1573 01:26:19,575 --> 01:26:21,105 - Patty? 1574 01:26:21,109 --> 01:26:23,349 - It'll catch faster if you light it in several places. 1575 01:26:25,448 --> 01:26:26,448 - Patty, no! 1576 01:26:29,785 --> 01:26:32,485 - We oughta have one of these every year. 1577 01:26:33,489 --> 01:26:35,589 - Burn in hell, witch! 1578 01:26:35,591 --> 01:26:36,931 - Patty! 1579 01:26:36,925 --> 01:26:40,395 (townspeople cheer) 1580 01:26:40,396 --> 01:26:42,496 - [Townspeople] Burn the witch, burn the witch, 1581 01:26:42,498 --> 01:26:46,338 burn the witch, burn the witch, burn the witch. 1582 01:26:46,335 --> 01:26:48,495 - [Elvira] Somebody, help! 1583 01:26:49,972 --> 01:26:50,912 - Burn her! 1584 01:26:51,807 --> 01:26:53,377 - Bye, kids. 1585 01:26:53,376 --> 01:26:54,276 It's been swell. 1586 01:26:55,210 --> 01:26:57,210 Just send my ashes to Las Vegas. 1587 01:26:58,113 --> 01:26:59,153 - Let me through! 1588 01:27:01,917 --> 01:27:02,747 Elvira! 1589 01:27:09,625 --> 01:27:10,885 - Hi, Bob. 1590 01:27:10,893 --> 01:27:14,263 - Patty, you're not a very nice person. 1591 01:27:15,431 --> 01:27:19,301 - [Townspeople] Burn the witch, burn the witch! 1592 01:27:22,671 --> 01:27:23,571 (Gonk barks) 1593 01:27:23,572 --> 01:27:24,412 - Gonk? 1594 01:27:30,513 --> 01:27:34,753 - [Morgana] Remember, you carry the power with you. 1595 01:27:39,422 --> 01:27:40,362 - The ring. 1596 01:27:53,436 --> 01:27:56,266 (thunder rumbles) 1597 01:27:57,373 --> 01:27:59,883 (crowd yells) 1598 01:28:16,859 --> 01:28:18,159 - Are you all right? 1599 01:28:19,628 --> 01:28:22,398 (romantic music) 1600 01:28:27,803 --> 01:28:29,913 - Look, the lunar eclipse. 1601 01:28:31,874 --> 01:28:34,314 Remember, your aunt's letter? 1602 01:28:34,309 --> 01:28:36,779 When the moon falls under the earth's shadow. 1603 01:28:37,980 --> 01:28:39,210 - Yeah, so? 1604 01:28:39,214 --> 01:28:40,654 - Vincent's got the book. 1605 01:28:42,117 --> 01:28:44,787 (ominous music) 1606 01:28:48,090 --> 01:28:50,930 (thunder rumbles) 1607 01:28:53,295 --> 01:28:54,125 - Elvira! 1608 01:28:58,233 --> 01:28:59,073 Elvira! 1609 01:29:05,974 --> 01:29:08,484 - Oh, you tricky little devil! 1610 01:29:12,381 --> 01:29:13,221 - Oh! 1611 01:29:14,417 --> 01:29:16,847 Vincent, remember us? 1612 01:29:16,852 --> 01:29:18,652 We're on your side. 1613 01:29:18,654 --> 01:29:19,494 - Swine. 1614 01:29:34,236 --> 01:29:35,236 - Stay back. 1615 01:29:41,777 --> 01:29:44,007 (Bob grunts) 1616 01:29:44,012 --> 01:29:45,952 - Sick 'im, Gonk! 1617 01:29:45,948 --> 01:29:48,978 (Gonk growls) 1618 01:29:48,984 --> 01:29:51,694 (Vincent growls) 1619 01:29:51,687 --> 01:29:54,357 (Gonk whimpers) 1620 01:29:56,158 --> 01:29:57,358 Don't make me use this. 1621 01:30:01,930 --> 01:30:06,200 - (laughs) The amulet could not protect your mother, 1622 01:30:06,201 --> 01:30:08,741 and it won't save you. 1623 01:30:08,737 --> 01:30:12,367 Kaldozar ipsole. 1624 01:30:14,242 --> 01:30:17,312 (bricks shatter) 1625 01:30:17,312 --> 01:30:19,452 - Ah, so you want to play rough, hey? 1626 01:30:19,448 --> 01:30:20,478 Well, take this. 1627 01:30:27,122 --> 01:30:27,962 What? 1628 01:30:35,498 --> 01:30:38,498 (suspenseful music) 1629 01:30:49,845 --> 01:30:52,105 - You cannot escape me, daughter of Devana. 1630 01:30:53,315 --> 01:30:55,575 I shall destroy you as I did her. 1631 01:30:59,021 --> 01:31:00,921 (gun cocks) 1632 01:31:00,923 --> 01:31:04,033 (sultry guitar riff) 1633 01:31:06,729 --> 01:31:07,859 - You looking for me? 1634 01:31:09,331 --> 01:31:11,671 (gun fires) 1635 01:31:15,638 --> 01:31:18,908 - Did you think you could stop me with your toys? 1636 01:31:20,408 --> 01:31:22,908 - No, but I figured it'd be worth a shot. 1637 01:31:22,911 --> 01:31:23,751 Look! 1638 01:31:27,115 --> 01:31:30,445 (Vincent laughs evilly) 1639 01:31:44,733 --> 01:31:47,573 (thunder rumbles) 1640 01:32:11,459 --> 01:32:13,059 - Cosa terra obtan! 1641 01:32:16,599 --> 01:32:19,529 - Sure, that's easy for you to say. 1642 01:32:20,703 --> 01:32:23,473 (shoe whips) 1643 01:32:23,471 --> 01:32:26,211 (Vincent groans) 1644 01:32:27,643 --> 01:32:30,413 (magic crackles) 1645 01:32:40,723 --> 01:32:43,393 (lock shatters) 1646 01:32:47,062 --> 01:32:48,162 - That hurts! 1647 01:32:51,700 --> 01:32:54,540 (thunder rumbles) 1648 01:32:56,805 --> 01:32:57,765 - Now, baby. 1649 01:33:01,744 --> 01:33:06,754 Hey, we have a little unfinished business. 1650 01:33:08,216 --> 01:33:11,486 - Yeah, well, I think we can do business. 1651 01:33:12,721 --> 01:33:14,161 Yeah, sure, I can dig it. 1652 01:33:15,090 --> 01:33:16,830 I'm cool, bro. 1653 01:33:16,825 --> 01:33:18,455 You know what it is? 1654 01:33:18,460 --> 01:33:20,200 Where it's at? 1655 01:33:20,195 --> 01:33:22,255 - I'll show you where it's at. 1656 01:33:22,264 --> 01:33:25,004 (Travis screams) 1657 01:33:44,720 --> 01:33:49,730 (wall shatters) (suspenseful music) 1658 01:33:53,428 --> 01:33:56,098 (Vincent yells) 1659 01:34:04,506 --> 01:34:06,676 - I am master of the dark! 1660 01:34:09,011 --> 01:34:11,781 - And I'll see you in hell first. 1661 01:34:24,659 --> 01:34:27,329 (fire crackles) 1662 01:34:40,743 --> 01:34:43,753 (floorboard smacks) 1663 01:34:48,350 --> 01:34:51,090 (Vincent groans) 1664 01:34:58,060 --> 01:35:00,300 - And now, Elvira, you die. 1665 01:35:04,666 --> 01:35:07,336 (Vincent yells) 1666 01:35:33,528 --> 01:35:37,798 - [Morgana] Remember, you carry the power with you. 1667 01:35:49,444 --> 01:35:52,054 (somber music) 1668 01:35:59,021 --> 01:36:00,821 - So, what did the insurance guy say? 1669 01:36:02,690 --> 01:36:05,430 - My policy doesn't cover acts of demons. 1670 01:36:08,196 --> 01:36:10,196 - Well, at least you still got the ring. 1671 01:36:11,566 --> 01:36:12,766 - Yeah, but the only thing 1672 01:36:12,767 --> 01:36:14,797 I can get it to do anymore is look cheap. 1673 01:36:18,106 --> 01:36:19,636 - Gosh, Elvira, I'm sorry. 1674 01:36:21,109 --> 01:36:23,209 I know you had your heart set on playing Las Vegas. 1675 01:36:25,247 --> 01:36:27,977 - I'm just not the kind of girl whose dreams come true. 1676 01:36:29,384 --> 01:36:30,854 I do better on nightmares. 1677 01:36:35,057 --> 01:36:37,057 - I wish there was something I could do. 1678 01:36:39,327 --> 01:36:41,327 - Yeah, don't worry about me, Bob. 1679 01:36:41,329 --> 01:36:43,969 I'm like fake fruit, I don't bruise that easy. 1680 01:36:46,768 --> 01:36:48,768 - [Man] There he is, up there. 1681 01:36:48,770 --> 01:36:51,910 (townspeople chatter) 1682 01:36:51,907 --> 01:36:54,107 - Uh-oh, here comes the lynch mob. 1683 01:36:54,109 --> 01:36:55,609 Hey, take it easy, take it easy, I'm leaving. 1684 01:36:55,610 --> 01:36:56,910 - We don't want you to go. 1685 01:36:58,646 --> 01:37:00,976 - This is our way of saying we were wrong about you 1686 01:37:00,983 --> 01:37:02,623 and we're sorry. 1687 01:37:02,617 --> 01:37:03,847 - Elvira, you're the best thing 1688 01:37:03,852 --> 01:37:05,792 that ever happened to our town. 1689 01:37:05,787 --> 01:37:07,587 - You've touched a part of my son 1690 01:37:07,589 --> 01:37:10,159 that nobody's ever touched before. 1691 01:37:10,158 --> 01:37:12,288 - I wish. (townspeople laugh) 1692 01:37:12,294 --> 01:37:13,764 - As long as you're in Fallwell, 1693 01:37:13,761 --> 01:37:16,801 you will always have a free room at the Cozy Cot. 1694 01:37:19,334 --> 01:37:21,774 - Now, wait just a minute, Lesley. 1695 01:37:21,769 --> 01:37:23,769 - Shut up, you old bag. 1696 01:37:23,771 --> 01:37:25,841 (townspeople laugh) 1697 01:37:25,840 --> 01:37:28,240 (horn blows) 1698 01:37:29,878 --> 01:37:31,108 - Birds of a feather! 1699 01:37:31,113 --> 01:37:32,583 - Well, I finally got it running. 1700 01:37:33,681 --> 01:37:34,521 - Great! 1701 01:37:36,084 --> 01:37:38,094 At least now, I'll have a place to live, 1702 01:37:39,521 --> 01:37:40,961 but I still don't know how I'm gonna pay ya for it. 1703 01:37:40,956 --> 01:37:43,186 - Don't worry, we'll work out something. 1704 01:37:44,893 --> 01:37:45,733 - Elvira. 1705 01:37:48,063 --> 01:37:52,073 I'm sorry that I set you on fire and everything, 1706 01:37:53,335 --> 01:37:56,765 and I hope there are no hard feelings. 1707 01:37:56,771 --> 01:37:58,711 - Don't worry, she's bigger than that. 1708 01:37:59,574 --> 01:38:01,444 - Yeah, a lot bigger. 1709 01:38:03,211 --> 01:38:05,351 - Elvira, I've got some important papers 1710 01:38:05,347 --> 01:38:07,117 that you're gonna have to sign. 1711 01:38:07,115 --> 01:38:09,945 With your uncle gone, you're the only heir to his estate. 1712 01:38:11,286 --> 01:38:12,346 - I am? 1713 01:38:12,354 --> 01:38:14,194 - Not an inconsiderable one at that. 1714 01:38:16,024 --> 01:38:17,594 - Las Vegas! 1715 01:38:17,592 --> 01:38:19,132 - Elvira, that's fantastic. 1716 01:38:19,962 --> 01:38:22,162 - Las Vegas! 1717 01:38:22,164 --> 01:38:23,004 Las Vegas! 1718 01:38:24,432 --> 01:38:25,272 Las Vegas! 1719 01:38:30,005 --> 01:38:32,165 - [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, 1720 01:38:32,174 --> 01:38:35,884 The Flamingo Hotel is proud to present 1721 01:38:35,877 --> 01:38:38,607 the Mistress of the Dark, Elvira. 1722 01:38:40,515 --> 01:38:44,585 * I've always dreamed of doing this * 1723 01:38:44,586 --> 01:38:48,956 * And now I've got my chance 1724 01:38:48,957 --> 01:38:53,657 * So excuse me while I indulge myself * 1725 01:38:53,661 --> 01:38:57,401 * In a little song and dance 1726 01:39:18,686 --> 01:39:22,516 * Well, if you're looking for trouble * 1727 01:39:22,524 --> 01:39:26,234 * Here I am 1728 01:39:26,228 --> 01:39:29,698 * And if you wanna see double 1729 01:39:29,697 --> 01:39:33,897 * Here I am 1730 01:39:33,901 --> 01:39:37,411 * I don't do what the good girls do * 1731 01:39:37,405 --> 01:39:41,475 * Bad dreams really do come true * 1732 01:39:49,417 --> 01:39:54,417 * Here I am 1733 01:39:56,924 --> 01:39:59,094 * I'm a bitch in black, so you'd better stand back * 1734 01:39:59,094 --> 01:40:00,864 * You might get motion sickness or a heart attack * 1735 01:40:00,862 --> 01:40:02,802 * I can really rap up with the swelling in your pocket * 1736 01:40:02,797 --> 01:40:04,567 * Make your eyeballs drop right out of their socket * 1737 01:40:04,566 --> 01:40:06,496 * I'm rough, I'm tough, I'm woman enough * 1738 01:40:06,501 --> 01:40:08,471 * So get ready, I'm gonna do my stuff * 1739 01:40:08,470 --> 01:40:09,540 * I can take, I can shake it 1740 01:40:09,537 --> 01:40:10,837 * I can cook it, I can bake it 1741 01:40:10,838 --> 01:40:12,338 * If I don't have the recipe, I'll fake it * 1742 01:40:12,340 --> 01:40:13,940 * I'm a volcano that's ready to blow * 1743 01:40:13,941 --> 01:40:18,951 * Look out, y'all, 'cause here I go * 1744 01:40:22,150 --> 01:40:24,750 (crowd cheers) 1745 01:40:30,492 --> 01:40:33,102 (tassel whirs) 1746 01:40:54,882 --> 01:40:57,292 (Gonk barks) 1747 01:41:12,434 --> 01:41:14,844 (Bob cheers) 1748 01:41:22,377 --> 01:41:23,207 For me? 1749 01:41:36,491 --> 01:41:37,991 Unpleasant dreams. 1750 01:41:41,028 --> 01:41:44,028 (upbeat rock music) 1751 01:44:21,222 --> 01:44:25,892 (sniffles) Oh, that movie gets me every time. 1752 01:44:25,893 --> 01:44:29,363 It is just such a timeless classic, 1753 01:44:29,364 --> 01:44:31,274 just like "Wizard of Oz". 1754 01:44:31,265 --> 01:44:33,495 And when you think about it, 1755 01:44:33,501 --> 01:44:36,971 those two stories are exactly the same, 1756 01:44:36,971 --> 01:44:39,111 minus the flying monkeys. 1757 01:44:39,106 --> 01:44:40,706 Innocent girl from out of town 1758 01:44:40,708 --> 01:44:42,878 shows up with her yappy little dog, 1759 01:44:42,877 --> 01:44:44,807 makes some likely friends, 1760 01:44:44,812 --> 01:44:47,722 triumphs over evil and twirls tassels. 1761 01:44:48,916 --> 01:44:51,516 Oh wait, Dorothy, didn't twirl tassels, did she? 1762 01:44:52,920 --> 01:44:56,290 Well, anyway, remember what Dorothy said she learned in Oz? 1763 01:44:56,290 --> 01:44:59,090 That if she ever went looking for her heart's desire, 1764 01:44:59,093 --> 01:45:02,233 she wouldn't look any further than her own backyard, 1765 01:45:02,229 --> 01:45:06,429 because if it wasn't there, she never lost it to begin with. 1766 01:45:06,434 --> 01:45:09,104 Well watching "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark" just now, 1767 01:45:09,103 --> 01:45:11,713 I had the same sort of epiphany. 1768 01:45:11,706 --> 01:45:13,776 You're gonna have to look that one up, bucko. 1769 01:45:13,775 --> 01:45:17,675 And it taught me some valuable lessons. 1770 01:45:17,679 --> 01:45:21,019 I learned that friendship is like cheese. 1771 01:45:21,015 --> 01:45:24,415 The longer it sits around, the stronger it gets, 1772 01:45:24,419 --> 01:45:27,759 and that friends are like cheap toupees, 1773 01:45:27,755 --> 01:45:31,355 you've gotta hang on to them when things get stormy. 1774 01:45:31,359 --> 01:45:34,559 But most of all, I learned that you can search 1775 01:45:34,562 --> 01:45:38,402 and search the wide world over, but in the end, 1776 01:45:38,400 --> 01:45:40,100 your own backyard is 1777 01:45:41,335 --> 01:45:44,305 right behind your house. 1778 01:45:45,440 --> 01:45:47,170 Okay, darling, stay glued. 1779 01:45:47,174 --> 01:45:49,814 There's lots more chills, spills, and thrills 1780 01:45:49,811 --> 01:45:53,151 coming right up on "Elvira's 40th Anniversary, 1781 01:45:53,147 --> 01:45:57,417 Very Scary, Very Special Special". 1782 01:45:57,419 --> 01:45:59,649 - [Announcer] Coming up, Elvira checks out 1783 01:45:59,654 --> 01:46:01,664 "House on Haunted Hill". 1784 01:46:01,656 --> 01:46:05,956 You don't want to miss it. (laughs evilly)